Intimacy in LEO Life

I’m probably going to maybe make a few people squirm while reading this (sorry mom/MIL!) But seriously these crazy shifts/protest pop-ups/OT/trainings, etc. I swear we are on the brink of having to schedule a time to be intimate. I mean I’m all about spontaneity-but the 3am wake me ups aren’t as cute as they were when we didn’t have kids and a hectic career, plus animals and the general daily to do’s to keep a house running. 3am? No sir, please go to sleep, maybe you can catch me tomorrow, maybe.

In his defense that used to be a normal thing. No kids... wake up at 3am... go back to sleep for a few hours. Great! Now? I have to be in up 2 hrs, I didn’t get to bed until almost 12 trying to catch up with life (and honestly Schitt’s Creek mostly, how has it taken me this long to finish this series!?) I do not have the energy to do anything, especially be intimate.

Trying to find that balance is hard! We were on the same schedule for a while then his got switched up again, so now, we are back to a quick peck before he runs to work as I am coming home with two littles in tow. I miss my husband!  Days off roll around every once in a while, and by then he’s exhausted mentally and physically and isn’t in the mood. I am over here like ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! You woke me up at 3am the other day and now it’s 10, kids are in bed. -Nope- Snoozing away 3 seconds later in the recliner.

I used to work as a clinic nurse, so schedules seem very sterile/routine. Yikes. No thanks. Also, I swear every time we try to be quick during nap time a kid wakes up and ruins any sort of plan, or even better a family member drops by unexpectedly and then we are scrambling around like teenagers.

If our schedules allow we try to get away together even just for a night. Last spring we went on our first trip without our kids and my goodness it was good for our relationship and really it was good for our kids to be away from us for a few days. The days are long but the years are short and we try not to sit idly by as time passes, we want to make the best of our lives and time we have here. It just gets hard in this crazy life sometimes.

I know this is just a season of life and eventually we will get back into our groove but right now I’m feeling pouty about it so this is what you guys get to listen to this great Monday afternoon! In the meantime, until our lives are less hectic, (does that actually happen, probably not..) we take each day as it comes, find time when we can, embrace the crazy/spontaneity (I know I said go away earlier but lets be real if I’m already awake… )

How do you guys find time!? Please send a sister some options.

l Danielle l

When Something Happens to Them, it Happen to Us

This week was a tough one.  The weight of the badge felt especially heavy.  Watching my son wrestle with the after-effects of a traumatic situation he had dealt with while on patrol took a bit of an emotional toll on our family. 

Over the years, I’ve somewhat learned to accept the late shifts, the call-outs, sleeping alone, the broken plans, late holiday celebrations, the anxiety, worry, and stress that comes with loving someone in law enforcement.  I know they are not, but this week all of those issues just seemed like the easy stuff. 

When our beloved LEOs have to deal with the heart-wrenching, gut-aching, horrible calls...the calls that haunt their dreams...when what they’ve seen leaves scars on their minds…how do we handle and what exactly do we do with that part of loving someone who has chosen this career path?  After being married to my LEO for 28 years, here’s my answer for you, plain and simple:  I do not have one single clue.   

I felt helpless watching as he tried to process his day’s events and wondered how much more I could take emotionally.  I remember telling my son that if anyone was “built” to be a Police Officer, it was him.  I have no doubts about that whatsoever, yet found myself doubting whether or not I was really built strong enough to be there and support him.  After 28 years in this LEO lifestyle…I know I sound crazy…but having a kid in this career is an entirely new experience for me.  I know I should have this down by now.  I should have answers for rookie wives or even moms all wrapped up in an easy 3-step plan available in a shiny, colorful pamphlet!  I should…but I don’t...this was hard and my heart just hurt for my LEO son.  I caught myself asking God if He knew what He was doing placing me here in this moment. 

I turned to and leaned heavily on a close friend, an amazing LEOW who showed nothing but compassion and empathy.  She reminded me, as I will to you ladies, that we are not in this alone.  She encouraged me to simply be there by his side, to listen to him, pray for him, and to of course offer speaking with a counselor if need be.  

Like any other storm in life…the sun seemed to come out from behind the grey clouds and we all pressed on with another day.   I know there will be plenty of other shocking calls that my son will go to as he works his way through his new career.  I know he will encounter circumstances that may last 5 minutes in the streets, yet he will carry throughout his life.  On the days I may find myself doubting whether or not I have the strength to help him through it…I know deep down that I’ll dig in my heels, call on a good friend for support, and above all remind myself that God is always in control.  As much as I say it to my son, I also know that I’m right where I’m supposed to be.  In case you might be needing to hear it today, so are you.  

Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”  

l Sandee l

Rise Above

This week my two sisters and I went to a local tattoo parlor to get a sister tattoo. Due to COVID regulations we had to go separately so I went back last; I sat down in the chair, excited to get my tattoo. He prepped everything, put the stencil down and then started his first stroke when the sticker caught my eye. “ACAB: and their b****a** families.” My stomach instantly sank, as I thought of my husband, our kids, myself, who are included in that “Families” statement. It’s one thing to see the ACAB, but bring my kids into it, mama bear comes out. 

If you know me at all, I already have no filter and I am not afraid to speak my mind so before I was even fully thinking straight, I took a deep breath and said, “Aw man, what’s up with the sticker?!” To which he replied “Yeah, it’s how I feel; bad experiences for myself and my friends.” I (somewhat) cautiously let him know I was a LEOW (it’s also pretty obvious given my blue line tattoo on the opposite wrist he was tattooing) and that I would love to chat with him about some of his experiences. He sat back and said, “Wow, really, you sure? I can talk a long time about this.” Another deep breath and I began quietly listening to him explain some challenges he’s faced with law enforcement. I gave the occasional “I’m sorry that’s how that ended, or that’s what happened” (when appropriate). I also asked if I could give him an explanation for some of his ‘opinions’ to which he did allow and listened. 

We actually had a very great conversation. I am thankful that I had someone open up to me and that I was able to see things through their lenses. It’s HARD to have those difficult conversations. It takes courage, strength, forgiveness, open mindedness, respect by both people. If those aren’t carried out by both parties, there will not be a good conversation and I was lucky to have someone who treated me equally as respectful.

I was one deep breath away from not having the time of day for this person. I could have sat in silence, kept the conversation light, and not dug in, but I have had enough. Enough of being quiet, being the bigger person, not rocking the boat. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes, it’s not appropriate to dive into the tough issues. But when I get the chance to talk, you best believe I’m gonna talk.

I’m glad I talked to this guy. No, I didn’t leave the shop with him having some sort of epiphany and ordering a TBL t-shirt and scraping off his ACAB sticker.  However, I did leave the shop with him thanking me for having an open conversation and letting him share some frustration. I told him to make changes we must start somewhere and today we started. I left feeling slightly better than when I first sat down in that chair and saw the gut punching sticker. I got outside and breathed a sigh of relief and smiled. Today was the first time I stood up and took the first step for change.

Moving forward, I’m going to be trying really hard to change my mindset and see these kinds of interactions as an opportunity. An opportunity to speak up for what is right, for my husband’s safety, for my children’s father, for my best friend. I know we signed up for this life, but it doesn’t mean I signed up to be disrespected because of my husband’s career. My kids did not sign up for this life, and if I can start the process of making change for them and their futures, I will. I will not be silent anymore.

My goal of this post is to challenge all of us. Have those difficult conversations. I’m not asking you to be belittled, hurt, called names, etc. When the time is right, and we can speak to others in a manner where both parties are respected, do it! We must be the change, we cannot be silent anymore, no one is going to do it for us. We must do it for each other. Much love to all of you! I got your 6.

l Danielle l

Blessed Are the Peacemakers

Several of us were huddled around the break room TV as live news crews tried to figure out what had occurred.  The story unfolding ever so slowly and painfully was that a local police officer was down and had been ambushed in broad daylight in the neighboring community.  While watching, I stood there stunned and absolutely heartsick.   

A co-worker turned to me and said, “Hey, different suburb from where your husband and son work, so you should be all good!”  Although he may have had good intentions by saying this, at that particular moment in time, all I could do was stare blankly in shock at his words and walk back to my office. 

No, it’s not all good…not at all…I wanted to shake him and make him understand why it wasn’t but I know my efforts would have been futile.  While I do think my misguided co-worker was trying to be encouraging, he simply has no clue what it means to be a part of this blue family.   

My LEO works for an entirely different department, in an entirely different city in our metro area than the fallen officer.  Yet, in the coming days, the motorcycle team my husband is assigned to will lead the funeral procession.  My LEO will prepare by spending extra time shining his bike and his boots.  He will thoughtfully place a black ribbon over his badge and he will tie one around the pole where the American flag hangs on our home.  His team will work to shut down traffic along the procession route and they will guide the hearse to this officer’s final resting place.  They may have never met this man, but to them it is a great honor and their duty to be a part of this day. 

Hundreds of law enforcement vehicles will line the procession route from cities and towns all over our state.  Thousands in full uniform will attend the memorial service.  Each and every one of them knows that just because this horrific incident did not occur in their department, it does not for one second mean that it’s “all good.” 

While mere words can not express how thankful I am to have my LEO right beside me, my heart aches for this widow I have never met and her sons who will grow up without their father.  I won’t pretend to know what they are going through or how they are feeling and I wouldn’t dare try.  I just know the fear of her situation becoming our reality lives within the hearts of LEOW’s across our nation.  As sisters bound by this invisible bond we will weep for her…because this is just not in any way shape or form, “all good” simply because we don't know her. 

All too soon, and once again, I will feel overwhelmed when I stand on the highway offering my prayers for this family and my respect for the fallen officer as the procession moves by.  I will feel nothing but pride as my LEO’s team rumbles by in formation.  As he takes his place in a long line of emergency vehicles for the first time as a fully sworn officer, I have no doubt that tears will be shed as my son’s patrol car passes by.  And…as always…I will feel humbled and extremely privileged to be a small part of such an amazing blue family. 

“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.”  Matthew 5:9 

l Sandee l

Refuse To Sink

After yet another night of protests, I woke to the sound of the garage door creaking open followed by that of velcro coming apart as the vest was finally coming off after 18+ hrs in a 90-degree day. I peeled myself from my bed at 3:30 am to go greet my officer. He was soaking wet (rain, sweat, mix?) tired, defeated, hungry, I am sure a million other things as he unlaced his boots and put them on the dryer for the next day that was surely going to be more of the same.

He went to take a shower. I made him a sandwich, set it on his nightstand before I moved our babies monitors and my stuff out of our room into the living area so I could go back to sleep and he could get a few hours of uninterrupted sleep before he did it all over again the next day.  

This has been a “new normal” that I despise. It’s not fair that my favorite person, who has the most integrity of anyone I know has to deal with terrible things being screamed in his face all day. Standing in his uniform that he so proudly wears. That badge gets heavier with every passing day. That anxious feeling I used to feel in the beginning of our relationship slowly gnawing its way back into my thoughts, ruining my mood and most days.

Being a LEOW is HARD. We are left to pick up the pieces of our officer that is left after each shift, try to put them back together, remind them that they are loved. Those comments they just heard for 12+ hours are not true. They are doing the right thing. Those words though, weigh on them. The communities our spouses have sworn to protect are not standing behind them. They are questioning themselves with every action. I can’t imagine how exhausted my husband really is. He puts on a great show.

We LEOWs are tired too. We’re tired because we’re waking up at all hours for a quick kiss and to put eyeballs on our spouses and make sure they really are ok. Our days are filled with news checks, solo parenting, keeping up with our own careers, our house (this reminds me I have about 5 loads of laundry that need folding and put away, I don’t remember the last time my floors were mopped, toilets scrubbed, the list keeps going unfortunately-ha!). It’s a good thing my kids love mac and cheese and chicken nuggets because that is about all the energy I’ve had for the last few weeks.

I am there for my husband at the drop of a hat. Always. No questions asked. I love him, his team, his other coworkers. I would do anything for any of them. I am NOT complaining. This life is not easy, but I love it.

But.. who is there for us? I have friends who are fellow LEOWs, yes. But they are just as exhausted, I can’t let my terrible thoughts/moods weigh them down even further. My friends who aren’t LEOWs really don’t understand, and I honestly don’t have many non-LEOW friends anymore. 

Then other day I logged into one of the many Facebook groups that are out there for LEOWs, I saw the acronym RELAX.

R: Recognize when you are consumed with worry. (Take a deep breath and focus on something positive.)

E: Eliminate toxic thoughts, which contribute to your negative emotions. (Turn off social media, the news, etc. Take a bath, play with your kids, your animals, light a candle and read, meditate, exercise, whatever it is that can give you endorphins.)

L: Let go of the anxious mindset that seeks reassurance that everything will turn out ok. Failure is a part of life, and life does not always go as planned (we know that one don’t we? Our lives rarely go as planned. That dinner date that we had looked forward to and now our LEO is stuck at work… go anyway! Invite a girlfriend, take a kid for a one-on-one date, heck-go alone! Don’t let life stop because our plans change.) 

A: Attitude is key to problem-solving. Adopting a flexible, open-minded attitude reduces feelings of insecurity and fear, and the habit of rumination. An added benefit of a positive outlook is less reliance on others for approval and validation. (Staying positive right now is hard, believe me, I understand! But what doesn’t help, is keeping that same negative mindset. Looking to others and how they are coping. Maybe on social media your friend who is in the same situation looks like she’s just fine and she’s completely unaffected when in reality she is just using social media as her outlet. FIND YOUR OUTLET.)

X: X-tra sleep. Making sleep a priority is a must for mental health and physical and emotional wellness. (Sleep is a hard one, I know. Kids, pets, anxiety, the mental load, it all takes a toll on our ability to get a good restful sleep. Start a bedtime routine, put on some lavender lotion, and go lay down. Ignore your house that may be in shambles [it’ll still be there tomorrow, unfortunately, lol]. Your sleep is just as important as breathing clean air, drinking water, and exercising.)

 After reading through that, I instantly began to do a self-evaluation and realized I was spinning in my own mind. I was stuck. I needed to see that post/acronym to get out. If you are feeling this way, I encourage you to use RELAX to assess your own situation. Also, if you are feeling like a leech and don’t want to suck anything out of our local friends- You have an entire COUNTRY of LEOWs that are here for you. Drop a DM to the group and just ask. There is always someone willing to talk and be there for a fellow LEOW. We are here for you. I am here for you. Get through one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. Focus on the good out there, we will only get through this life together.

l Danielle l

We Are Police Wives

“I have training today.”  Who knew those four, little words could put my mind at such ease!  I don’t care what training it is...my LEO could be learning how to fold origami penguins for all I care.  It just means a day off from patrol and instantly, that part of my brain that holds that bit of constant, nagging uneasiness will relax for a few hours. 

What exactly do I tend to worry about while he’s on patrol you ask? 

What if my LEO is attacked? 

What am I going to make for dinner? 

What if my LEO ends up on YouTube? 

Was that mole there yesterday? 

What if my LEO has to use deadly force? 

Did I remember to feed the dog? 

What if my LEO has to witness something horrific? 

Did I forget to put on deodorant? 

What if my LEO is tragically injured? 

Happy you asked?  I’m not saying I drown myself in fear on a constant basis, but worrying about my LEO is definitely tucked away in the back of my mind while I go about my daily business.  Somedays it lives more at the forefront of my brain than others.  Some nights when I can’t seem to put it to rest, I lose sleep over it.  After recent months of protests, riots, calls for defunding, calls to eliminate qualified immunity, social media trolls, and the anti-police rhetoric that is thrown in our faces any time we dare turn on the news, I know many of us live with these same concerns on some level every single day.   

Years ago I remember asking an older, much wiser spouse of a LEO how she dealt with such fears and without hesitation she replied, “God could take him home while he’s working out on the streets or while he’s lying in bed next to me.”  That logic has stuck with me for decades...why make myself miserable by spending my hours worrying about something I simply can’t control?  Somedays that's easier said than done though.  She also told me to keep life in perspective.  There are plenty of dangers out in the world other than police work (as we’ve discovered by going down those awful, shiny, metal slides at the park in the heat of summer…yipes!).    

If you’re anything at all like me, and maybe you’re finding that you are living life a bit stressed lately, I would strongly encourage you to pray, give your worries to the Lord, and lay them at His feet.  Then, (again if you’re like me), you’ll need do this over…and over…and over.   

I also find that jumping into an activity can easily change my focus and alleviate some stress.  Take a crack at baking a new recipe, start a gratitude journal, go for a quick run, organize the pantry, give yourself a pedicure, make a Christmas ornament…heck I’ve tried it all when I’m worried…ok…not the running part…because…well…I tried, but I kept spilling my wine!  (Bahahaha!)  

I wish I could tell you that I sail through my days trusting God to take care of every concern that I tend to hold on to.  I’d love to tell you that I don’t have a care in the world because I’ve learned to take John 14:1 (“Don’t let your hearts be troubled, trust in God trust also in me,”) to heart and walk with it without fail.  Maybe someday I’ll tell you I’ve got my act together and have this LEO life all figured out...but that's certainly not today.   

I do believe, however, that just because we are nervous or stressed at times, that doesn’t necessarily mean we don’t trust the Lord to take care of us, our LEOs, and our families.  It simply means we are human and we might be having a tough time.  

Remember, Ladies, we have a God who loves us and wants the best for us.  He knew we’d need our sisters in blue to lean on, to worry with, to be proud with, and to just have someone else out there who has a bit of insight and understanding into our daily lives.  Even though we’ve never met and may never actually say a word in person to one another…whether it’s a training day for my LEO and my mind is calm, or a nerve-wracking day or night of working patrol on the streets…I am truly thankful for the women in this group and the support I find in it.  I hope you are too. 

l Sandee l 

Single Married Woman

My husband’s career started out with him working for a small police department located in a rural part of our state.  When it was short-handed, which was often, officers would be required to work what they referred to as a “Death Watch” (gotta love a catchy name that just screams anxiety to a LEOW).  A Death Watch meant the officer was in for a 15-hour shift and some weeks, my LEO would have several of these shifts in a row.  When he would finally arrive home from work, he’d walk into the house, an exhausted mess, say hello to our preschooler and infant sons, and try to sleep for the remaining hours of his day before having to do it all over again. 

During these years, there were also plenty of weeks where we were lucky if he had even one day off to spend with us.  I felt I was living the “Single-but-married-police-wife-life,” for sure back then. 

It is very easy to let the rough side of the LEO lifestyle get the best of you…especially when you are knee deep in toddlers and diapers, failing to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  My LEO was loyal to his department that desperately needed him and was working incredibly hard to provide for his young family, but often times I was overwhelmed with loneliness and anger.  I remember being frustrated and flat out sick and tired of being constantly alone, yet married. I would back out of gatherings with friends and summer backyard barbeques because I just could not find it in me to arrive at one more event all by myself. 

My husband was out serving his community and putting his life on the line each day.  I should have been one content, proud wife, but I felt very alone, very sad…and completely guilt-ridden at the fact that on some days I just couldn’t manage to “man up.”  I felt like a total failure while watching other spouses who stood stoically by their LEOs, not flinching in the face of adversity.  They seemed to have it all together while I struggled to come up with a simple fake smile. 

Now, there are times looking back that I am proud of what I learned to do on my own just because I had to.   Some things aren’t so impressive…like, I learned to use a plunger…a shining moment, no doubt.  I was forced to have the “talk” with my kid when he demanded to know what sex was (he asked if this had to take place at the doctor’s office, soooo I’m pretty sure I royally messed this up).  I mowed a lawn for the first time ever (I about ruined the mower by putting an oil/gas mixture in it and the entire street was filled with smoke while I just plugged along oblivious and happily mowing away). The impressive list goes on... 

It’s been about 25 years ago now and I can’t quite tell you exactly what got me through those days or what made it better other than a lot of praying (and I mean a lot), some crying, a solid support system of family and friends, and to be brutally honest, the never failing grace of God.   

If you’re finding yourself in a place where you’re struggling, it is important to know you’re not in this alone.  Find comfort in the fact that so many of us have been through the long shifts and nights of sleeping in a bed that‘s half empty.  We know you’ve got the strength to get through this…and if you don’t right now, understand that it’s ok not to be ok for a little bit.  

I can also assure you that none of us has it all together…even if it seems that way.  Just last night I managed to have grilled chicken ready and waiting on the dinner table, perfectly timed for my husband to walk through the door.  He pulled into the garage on his police motorcycle and before he could climb off, he looked at me and said, “I’ve just been called out again.” He then turned around and his bike rumbled away (the neighbors love us).  Another dinner ruined.  Another evening down the drain.  Was I disappointed?  Maybe a little, but all hands-on-deck called out to look for a missing 10 year old who was later found…wayyy more important than a dish of mashed cauliflower (gag, I don’t even care how much bacon is on it).   

Take heart, Ladies...we are in this together and you are stronger than you know.  “But those that hope in the Lord will renew their strength.” Isaiah 40:31 

l Sandee l 

You Are Good Enough Completely

My LEO and I have been married almost 6 years now, together 10. All of those years he’s been on nightshift. This fall he switched over to a more daytime/afternoon schedule. It’s heavenly, most of the time. Now, if you are reading this and your husband is on nights and you kind of want to punch me for adding in that “most of the time” disclaimer. Hold tight.

I have spent the last 9.5 years doing my own thing in the evening. Before we had kids, I was busy with friends, exercising, reading, keeping the house in order, & my own hobbies. Once we had our first baby, my nights were busy with feedings, diaper changes, laundry, & dinner. Throw in our second, and there were days I felt like I was sinking in a boat and all I had to bail me out was a tiny baby food spoon. Good times. But we did have our routine down to a science, it worked for us.

It was exhausting, tiring, overwhelming, heck sometimes I was jealous he got to go to work while I stayed home doing the day-to-day life routine at home. Looking back now I am SO thankful he had those shifts when he did. I got to be home with my babies every night. I got to be the one to snuggle them asleep, rock them as long as I wanted, be the hero snuggler in the middle of the night.

Were there nights I was so tired I thought I may die? Yes. Were there days I wanted to feed them cereal and do a quick huggies wipe bath and call it good? (Who am I kidding, I may have done that once..or twice.) The nights where he was home with us kind of threw off my game. Admittedly, I would even get annoyed once he was home because I ran a tight ship and he was wrecking our routine. How terrible of me, right? No one wrote in the LEOW handbook that this might happen! Where was all the unsolicited advice on this topic?! It was always, “Enjoy the times you do get together, never take anything for granted…”

I felt so guilty for having those frustrations and tried to tamp them down. I asked my close friends if they had the same feelings- they didn’t. I was thinking I was crazy there for a while. Then I realized we’re human. Our thoughts are valid. It’s a tough life we are living and it’s not one size fits all.

So, if you are in the throes of the baby, toddler, nightshift, working full time, drowning stage….I feel you. It’s ok to feel like you can’t let go of any controls and that you must stay on schedule or else the world will end. I promise it won’t. It will bring a smile to your face when your google photo memories pop up and it’s your husband and dirty toddler at 9pm giggling and eating Hershey kisses. You probably won’t even remember the next day when said toddler screamed and didn’t want to go to bed without a Hershey kiss, ha! The small moments matter. The things that seem annoying now, probably won’t in a few years. So, buckle down, let go of the controls for a second, & sit back and enjoy the extra set of hands. 

l Danielle l

This is normal....right?

Prince Phillip met Sleeping Beauty for the first time in the woods.  I met my husband on a blind date at a movie theater in Las Vegas back in 1988.  Phillip sang romantically with Princess Aurora and held her sweetly as they danced through a meadow full of woodland creatures.  My future husband offered me a soda and when I said yes, he pulled out a can of pop that he had hidden in the sleeve of his jacket and handed it to me.  (I’m pretty sure it was warm and yes, I still somehow married this man.) 

As a young girl, I never realized how hard marriage can be.  Snow White and Sleeping Beauty made it look so easy.  Meet a cute guy, chat a little, fall in love, avoid eating any funky fruit, and boom!...happily ever after! 

Their fairy tales never mentioned anything about changing diapers, midnight feedings, laundry piled to the ceiling, or fighting crowds at a grocery store on a Saturday afternoon.  They also don’t mention what Prince Charming did for a living, but I’m pretty sure he wasn’t a LEO.  Snow White didn’t have to deal with graveyard shifts, overtime, SWAT call-outs, spending holidays alone, and ammo clunking around in her dryer.   

The reality is, marriage isn’t always a fairy tale whether it’s with a LEO or not.  It takes a lot of work, time, and effort on both parts (I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know).  Our LEOs come home tired, drained, and I know mine isn’t always in the chattiest of moods.   More often than not my, “How was your day?” receives a caveman grunt followed by, “What’s for dinner?”  I tell myself that it isn’t because he doesn’t want to share with me how his day was…he just may not want to relive it.  Sometimes it takes all I’ve got to just let him be…and sometimes that is what he really needs.  

Communication and feeling connected to our spouse can take a back seat in a LEO marriage at times…and I don’t know about you, but I don’t always handle it the best.   I’m a talker and have a habit of needing to share every little thought in my crazy head.  When my LEO isn’t the mood to listen to the details of my day or doesn’t have the energy to give me the attention I think I deserve, I take it personally and end up feeling hurt and angry when I’ve waited hours for him to walk through the door.  (Never mind that he’s been working 12 hour shifts, is on the motorcycle team, comes home after a warm day all sweaty, exhausted, dehydrated…and a little stinky…I mean why wouldn’t he just want to chat, chat, chat!) 

As the spouse of a LEO, one of the toughest and greatest things we can do is learn to be flexible and figure out how to adapt to this lifestyle.  Maybe my LEO and I don’t have major conversations each night when his shift is over, but we’ve learned to check in more during the day.  A quick, “I love you. How are things going?” text here and there helps us feel and stay connected. 

We’ve had points over the years where it was necessary to actually schedule time to catch up.  It might sound crazy to others to need to have a calendar appointment to speak with your spouse, but when you’re raising a family and are on opposite sleep schedules it becomes necessary!  Even if it is just for 20 minutes of solid catch-up time, if you’re struggling to connect, I encourage you to put it on a calendar and keep the appointment no matter what!  

From changing up the way we communicate and stay connected, to celebrating holidays and birthdays a day or two early or a few days late…the law enforcement lifestyle can be tougher than we imagined it would be to adapt to.   If you are new to this, step one is simply to try your best to stop comparing your reality to what ideas you had of a “normal” fairy tale marriage.  Step two is understanding that we are all in this together so talk to other LEO spouses and find out what works for them.  We have so much we can learn from each other and most of us are thrilled to be able to share what has helped us! 

After a day of riding his white stallion through the forest, I’m sure Prince Charming arrives at the castle gates presenting Snow White with a bouquet of wildflowers that he picked himself.  At the end of his day, my LEO pulls into our garage a hot, tired mess just needing rest, food, and a cold drink…our marriage might not always be a pretty little fairy tale, but he’s arrived home safe and sound…and that’s all I need for my happily ever after. 

l Sandee l

It Could Be Us

“Your husband would never do that.”

“I’m glad he’s one of the good ones.”

“Oh, don’t worry, I still like him!”

These are some of the comments I’ve heard over and over the last year from friends, family, and co-workers alike. He’s one of the good ones. Little do they know, any shift, it could be us. I think that is the heaviest thing on most LEO spouses minds the last year. It could be us in a split second.

The last year has been the toughest of my 10 years of being a law enforcement spouse. I’ve seen friends post terrible things on social media; I’ve had to keep my mouth shut at work when we take a moment of silence for another “victim” of “police brutality”. I can’t turn on any news station without a single negative story regarding law enforcement. It’s the focal point of everything.

Meanwhile the people that do support us are quieter than ever for fear of backlash. I’ve seen women and men scrape off the thin blue line sticker from their car, take down their thin blue line flag from outside their houses, and flip their shirts inside out because of all the dirty looks they were getting.

We’ve had to have tough conversations regarding the what if’s, making plans for if something like this were to happen. We talk about where we’d go, who would know where we are. We have had to change our own names on social media, and just be more aware of our surroundings/situations.

The heaviness of the fact that It could be us weighs on me every day. He could be the next “villain cop”. The next most hated person in America. The next “stereotypical cop”. I try to curb my anxiety and generally do a good job. Until you try to do any normal activity, as simple as logging into Facebook, watching the news, and looking at a magazine stand. Everywhere is a reminder. It is exhausting, but we are resilient. We will get through this hard time, and if god forbid it is us. I know there is an army of women behind me, a brotherhood behind him and we could make one call out and have 100 places that would welcome us with open arms. That is what keeps me sane and going every day.

l Danielle l

Don't Hate, Rise Above

I don’t know about you, but I’ve found it extremely easy to hate and be angry these days.   For one thing, I hate the snow that is still falling so late in the year…I am stinkin’ cold and miss my flip flops.  I hate wearing this dang face mask when I have a brand new lip gloss that I want to try.  I hate blue cheese crumbles in my salad…because…well…nasty!  

I hate watching the nightly news. My heart sinks with every fresh story regarding Law Enforcement. I flat out hate the media and how they generalize police officers to create their own agendas.  I hate the anti-police rhetoric I see all over the internet.  I hate the social media trolls and every comment made by them. 

My hardened heart has made it easier to unfriend people on social media, as well as in real life this past year, more than ever before.  My emotional tolerance levels are certainly low for what I can seem to handle.  A person makes one wrong move and I’d rather be done with them than even try to talk out any differences. (Don’t get me wrong.  Removing toxic people from your life can be a good thing…but that’s a whole other conversation entirely.) 

In light of feeling the need to fiercely stand up for our LEOs, it may be a good idea to take a step back every so often to examine our own hearts and minds.  God created our hearts to be directly connected to our thoughts, and if I look at myself honestly…I have to confess that my thoughts have been nothing but angry half of the time and worrisome for the other half!  My angry heart doesn’t help my LEO when he’s headed off for a shift.  My worried mind has never helped me with even taking the garbage out!  We can not let the crazy world around us that seems to be spinning out of control, harden us to the point of where we lose ourselves and who we want to become and are meant to be. 

All those years ago, my LEO didn’t choose this career because he was angry or outraged with politicians.  It didn’t matter who the president was or what the headlines in the news were at that time (I think the light bulb had just been invented).  He simply wanted to be the good guy catching bad guys.  He wanted to make a difference when he could in our community.  He wanted to be a role model for the sons we hadn’t yet had, and quite simply…he wanted to be the one to help people in crisis when they needed it most.  

There is plenty going on in current events to be outraged about, I get that for sure. Please know that I’m not saying to let our guard down at all.  Far from it.  We need to continue to stand strong by our LEOs.  Encourage them, pray for them, and when they need it, be the voice that reminds them why they started wearing the badge every day.  Recent events have just clearly shown that there are more than enough people on this planet filled with hate and I know that I don’t want to be one of them.  Cling to the promise that God wants good things for us and protect your hearts.  He never said that this life would be easy, but He did promise to walk beside us through it.   

Philippians 4:7  “And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

l Sandee l

Before Your Officer's Next Shift

Wise words that my grandma shared with me years ago are: never go to sleep angry with a loved one. Instead, we should make up as best as we can — or “table the problem” until tomorrow — and be sure to say “I love you” before we close our eyes.   

A police officer’s wife must follow this advice 24 hours a day because as our officer walks out the door for a shift, we may be walking to our bed for the night. Whether our LEO works evenings, days, or afternoons, a cop’s wife must be extra forgiving and extra patient — even when we don’t want to be. Because here’s the truth: when a cop leaves for work, a caring goodbye is the ultimate “better safe than sorry.” Before our LEO leaves, the only words on our lips should be about love, appreciation, and wishes for safety. Those are the words that matter most and last the longest.  

A cop’s wife knows her officer deals with enough problems and conflicts “out there” all day (or night), day after day (or night after night). That’s why an officer’s wife must wait until later to resolve issues at home. This is especially crucial nowadays when cops’ shifts are longer, more stressful, and more dangerous as part of the “new norm.” These days, an officer’s wife must try to help build up her LEO’s self-worth because our officer may feel more unappreciated in the community than ever before. And nowadays, things may feel more uncertain.   

But one thing is certain: every cop’s wife waits for her LEO’s shift to be over... and for her officer to walk back through that door. And if we’re angry with one another, that shift seems to last so much longer.     

That’s why an officer’s wife should try to set aside issues, bitterness, or resentments until her LEO’s shift is over. It’s a suggestion that’s easier said than done. Similar to the compromise of “agreeing to disagree,” in a cop’s wife’s life it is important to give your officer peace of mind before their shift. A cop’s wife must take a deep breath and realize that an unpaid bill or an undone chore is not worth arguing about as our loved one leaves to protect someone else’s wife and family.   

Depending on the seriousness of the issue between you two, different strategies may help “table it” before a shift:  

• Apologize sincerely, if you feel you should.

• If there is enough time, try to talk it out; take turns listening to each other.

• Tell your LEO a joke or text your LEO a meme! It will probably be unexpected and could break the ice and tension.

• Agree to disagree for the moment.

• Tell your officer three components of your life together that you truly appreciate. Or write them down and put that list in your officer’s hand — or lunch bag, vest, or uniform pocket.

• Call for a “time out,” because sometimes what we need is just... time. Maybe by the end of your officer’s shift, enough hours will have passed that you both will be ready to communicate in a way that moves you toward a solution.

Regardless of which strategy works best for you and your LEO, a cop’s wife must assure her officer that it is okay for their issue to be resolved another day.  
  
So before our officers walk out the door, for every single shift, let’s not be angry. Let’s promise our LEO that all is well, they are loved, and the family they leave at home is appreciative and proud. Because we are.

l Christine l

The Weight of the Badge

After 31 years the badge has gotten very heavy. Being a Law Enforcement Officer isn't just a regular job or career, like a banker, teacher, store manager, etc. Putting on that vest, gun belt, and badge comes at a huge price. What he has seen, smelled, touched, held, heard would destroy most people. He and his fellow LEOs see people at some of the worst, scariest, lowest, evil, and heartbreaking times of their lives.

He has held the dead babies, seen the mangled bodies from car accidents, seen what is left after someone blows their brains out (pretty sure he has lost count on this one), helped bag up the week old dead body that has been rotting in the apartment with no AC in the middle of summer, notified people of their loved ones passing, tried to help the mentally ill transient...knowing that in our society there really is no hope for them.

He's been to calls where the parents are such drug addicts the kids ate ketchup, mayo, and BBQ sauce for dinner because there was no food in the house. He has heard kids begging to go to foster care because they can't sleep with the constant drug traffic or they are afraid mom or dad might pimp them out again to get a fix (now tell me drugs are a victimless crime).

My husband has attended quite a few victim autopsies, he has ran towards the gun fire, his first SWAT call out was the Lindhurst HS shooting with 4 dead, 9 wounded and the gunman had 80 hostages.

He has been punched, kicked, spit on, has had pee thrown at him, cleaned up every kind of bodily fluid there is out of the back seat of a patrol car. He has gone up against men with knives, people who want to kill him, people that want him to kill them, kids murdered and raped, women horribly beaten by their "man", even when they go back to the dirtbag the next day.

He has heard the "shots fired, Officer down" come out over the radio. He has had to listen to the media, politicians, family members, friends, and society demonize and turn their backs on cops.

He works out every week because you never know when you will be in a literal fight for your life, he sits facing the door when we go out to eat, always ready to protect us...the sheep. He and his fellow LEOs are the sheepdogs.

We have had many friends that are retired LEO's die fairly young, I swear this job can shorten your life.

He has worn that heavy gun belt so long he has had to have back surgery. His back will never be the same.

Many officers burn out, get injured so badly they can't return to duty, some people just didn't realize the cost of the job and quit. To make it to the end standing, while you still have love for mankind is rare. He has seen the worst in us, seen just how evil people can be and he can still treat people with humanity and respect.

After 31 years the badge has gotten very heavy. It is time to take the badge off. To not have to go to those horrific calls anymore. To hope and pray that time heals all wounds. The price he has paid has been great. I know he wouldn't have had it any other way. He has always seen it as God's calling for him to help hold the thin blue line.

So yes, I am PROUD of my Sergeant. PROUD to be called his wife. Thankful to GOD that he made it, well...2 more days to go.

Please say a prayer for the men and women who are still out there holding the thin blue line. If you see an LEO, thank them for all they do.

l Colleen l

Can't Stop, Won't Stop

Last year I was told to listen, I was told to be silent, I was told it's not my time to speak, it's not my time to be, it's not my time to defend, I should sit down and shut up. Well, I wasn't silent because the only people ever allowed to tell me to be quiet were my mama and daddy.

But I did listen momentarily, even though I didn't agree with what was being said. I actually did try to advocate for positive change, so I listened. You know what I heard? That he's racist (he's not), that my kids and I deserve to be raped and murdered (we don't), that we should all go away (we won't).

You know what I saw? Violence. A lot of it. Countless innocent Officers villainized who did absolutely nothing wrong; sacrificing sleep, family time, mental health, emotional well-being, sustaining injuries, enduring loss of blue family, and very few outside of our community condemning that and sticking up for our Officers. For. Months. When you watch those that you love take on abuse that they didn't do anything to deserve, being badly bruised, physically and mentally, you kind of stop caring about what everybody else is saying and self-preserve. I was willing to listen right up until my husband was berated and attacked at numerous "protests". After he was told by people they hoped he died a gruesome death and his wife and kids were raped and murdered, I kinda stopped listening.

So forgive me if I feel like not being one of those people that is saying all the things you want to hear. I started to realize people didn't want conversation, they wanted complete agreeance, and anything less wasn't satisfactory. I guess I'm not "woke" enough. Oh well.

The major thing that I have learned this year is that most people's opinions matter very little to me. They don't see the truth, won't see the truth, and refuse to seek the truth. It's hard to have a conversation for change to occur if people are constantly telling you to shut up and sit down. I discovered it wasn't a conversation they wanted, but to make you listen and have you totally agree with no arguments.

Guess what? I'm not gonna. I will defend the profession as a whole and those that selflessly serve their communities until my last dying breath. Don't like it? I don't care, bye. I always condemn evil, I will never demonize all Officers, punishing the people with no affiliation for others' wrong-doings. Being in the same profession doesn't make you accountable for others that do the same job. We don't require this kind of response from Doctors, teachers, or any other profession.

I will defend, uplift, love, and support those in our family as the rest of the world forsakes them. Can't stop, won't stop. One day, people will see the monster they created when the country starts crumbling, and that day is near. Stay safe, folks.

Catch-All For The City's Problems

Many of the law-enforcement based TV shows are hitting the heavy topics these days. And it’s necessary. We need to have more open conversations so we can relate to one another in a way we haven’t before.  Most episodes are finding a great balance of choosing to address these topics in a manner that shows the struggles on both sides; those on the side of policing and those who feel we need major changes.  The conversations aren’t easy. The solutions are even harder to find.

An episode of a recent show spoke to police officer’s “being a catch-all for the city’s problems” and I couldn’t get that concept out of my head.

During any given shift, an officer can be called, by a member of the community they serve, to be a therapist, psychologist, social worker, mechanic, parent, medic, or any other job function that is requested of them.  Scenes are rarely static and their job function may rapidly evolve from one minute to the next.  The problem in all of this?  They aren’t trained to be all of those things.

They aren’t therapists, who trained for years to help you manage the thoughts in your head, but they will be there on your worst day, when those voices are loud and you need someone to talk you out of taking your own life.

They aren’t psychologists, who trained for years to help you sort your way through a hard time in your life, but they will be there on your worst day, when you feel the walls closing in.

They aren’t social workers, who trained for years to help you in a moment of crisis, but they will be there on your worst day, when your loved one has suddenly died.

They aren’t mechanics, but they will be there to help you change your tire so you can make it home safely.

They aren’t parents to your children, but they will rush to the call of a child found wandering outside, to be sure that your child is safe and well cared for.

They aren’t medics, who trained for years to help you after you have been shot, but they will apply a tourniquet, and be the calming and encouraging voice you need, as they wait for that help to arrive.

Police aren’t trained to be these things. At least not effectively. But we require them to wear all of these hats and to play all of these roles.  Why?  Because they’re always the first to arrive.

When you call, they will come.
Every time.

You Can Either Live in Faith or Fear

My son saved someone’s life today.  I can’t possibly begin to tell you how that feels.  It’s absolutely surreal. 

He’s so proud.  His Dad is proud.  His Lieutenant is proud.  The Chief is proud. 

And…all I can manage to think to myself is…what if it had gone wrong?   

I mean, the kid is 23-years-old.  He was just sworn in a few weeks ago.  He isn’t even out of field training yet!  And here he is….literally saving a man from plummeting to his death after he tried to jump off of a bridge.  

As he went over every detail of his exciting story, I instantly caught myself worrying and running through a zillion horrible “what if” scenarios in my head.  As much as I tried to hide it inside, I know my reserved reaction disappointed my son.  I should have celebrated with him and was honestly ashamed of myself for letting him down. 

Motherhood is one tough role to step out of, if even for a minute or two.  My son, Mr. Big Tough Policeman (well…to be honest he’s not that big…on a good day with his boots on he might be 5’8”), doesn’t need his mommy still trying to protect him from the awful things he is sure to see in his career as a LEO.   

In the world of law enforcement, it is all too easy to have worry become our go to emotion…especially in these days of civil unrest, protests, riots, mass shootings…and oh yeah…a little thing going around known as a pandemic.  Worrying about what could happen and dwelling on the “what ifs” only heightens anxiety, adds to any emotional burden you may already be carrying, and in the end, flat out robs us of today’s happiness.   

To be honest, after being married to a LEO for almost 30 years now, I thought I would deal better with my son diving into this career.  I thought I had this anxiety business all worked out!  Don’t get me wrong…I of course still worry about my husband from time to time.  But I find that it’s no way to live your daily life and I thought I had learned to keep my anxiety in check after so many years…for the most part anyways. 

My mental health has definitely taken a few steps backwards lately and from the comments I read on social media from other LEOWs, many of us have the same daily fears and struggles going on.  These have been trying times for sure and it helps immensely to know we are not alone in this. 

Aside from the obvious things that can help us feel better emotionally, like a good night’s sleep, a little exercise, eating healthy, and a secret stash of gummy bears in the center console of your car (don’t judge me)…I have two words for you…faith and prayer…have some and do it often!  “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7)  Thank goodness we have a God that never tires in our weakness and always wants to hear from us…even if it’s just to utter a simple cry for help.   

Our officers don’t get nearly enough of the good stuff and they need us to celebrate these victories when they happen.  I’ve since told my son that he was right where he was meant to be when he helped that tortured soul trying to end his own life.  I couldn't be more proud of him and I hope that the next time he walks through my door with terrifyingly good news, that I can truly be excited for his success.  I don't want worry or anxiety to be my "go to" emotion...might take me awhile…but, I’m working on it. 

l Sandee l

Honoring Them

Earlier this week I found myself standing on the side of the road, hand on my heart, tears running down my face, staring in awe at yet another funeral procession for my state’s most recent fallen hero. 

I didn’t know exactly why I felt the need to be there.  

I had gone days before to his police department to pay my respects.  His patrol vehicle was parked in front of the building and was barely visible, covered in mounds of floral bouquets left by those paying their respects.  A carved wooden cross sat near the SUV with the officer’s name engraved across it. Candles were lit along the pavement and left near crayon artwork given by children.  Even with light traffic on the street and several people milling around, it was silent other than the sounds of a few whispered prayers. 

Again, I can’t fully explain exactly why I felt the need to be there. 

I didn’t know this man.  I don’t know his wife, family members, or even his friends.  I don’t know anyone that works for his department. 

But still I went…and what I did eventually find was a sense of community on the road this morning.  Hundreds gathered together to honor a man none of us knew…forever grateful for his service and his family’s sacrifice. 

I don’t think there’s a LEOW that doesn’t for a split second put themselves in the shoes of the officer’s widow when a line of duty death occurs close to home.  What would we do?  Where would we turn?  Who would help us?  While we truly don’t want to ever know the raw pain or panic she experiences, we allow ourselves to go there, even if just for a brief moment in our minds.  The possibility of our LEO not coming home is a real fear that we live with daily, but can’t allow to take over our lives. We have children to care for, dinner to place on the table, jobs to go to, and lives to live. 

Maybe that’s what brought you here now.  You may not know exactly how you found yourself on this page or in this group, but I hope you’ll discover a sense of community, belonging, and support.  So…as police wives, together, we will face another shift.  Another good-bye kiss.  Another, “I love you, see you in the morning,” as he walks out the door.  We walk in faith and in the knowledge that God has a plan for our lives.  We walk knowing He is in control.  We pray for protection and we hold fast to the truth that God has not given us a spirit of fear, but one of power and love (2 Timothy 1:7).   

l Sandee l

Your Husband Works Where?

“Your husband works where?  I mean…it’s gotta be bad enough to be a cop these days, but for that department?  Why doesn’t he just quit?  I would if I were him!” 

I was slightly un-nerved when a co-worker said these words to me.  I mean sure…my LEO happens to work for one of the police departments that made national headlines last year…and the saga continues on today, but to say you would quit if you were him?!  Thank goodness she’s not!  (Where does this lady think we would live? I happen to enjoy indoor plumbing!) 

Do I care to explain to this person that my LEO has worked for this particular department for over 20 years…that it has been very good to him…that he continues to serve the community daily…that more often than not a grateful resident buys his lunch…that one or two employees’ actions truly don’t define an entire department of good police officers?   

I definitely do not have the time or energy to run around and defend my LEO’s character and reputation to every person I come in contact with.   

And here’s the thing I’m discovering…I don’t need to. 

2020 was such a tough year of feeling attacked and judged for so many law enforcement families, simply by association or by working for departments that have been popular in the news for all the wrong reasons.  Compound that with people you value as friends, and even family, chiming in with any sort of anti-police rhetoric...it can be discouraging and overwhelming. If your LEO’s department was hit hard last year…or even currently…I strongly encourage you to simply take a long, deep breath…and be confident.  Be confident in knowing that your LEO is out there doing the right thing.  Be confident in his training.  Be confident that your LEO did not choose this career path lightly.  Be confident in the Lord (Jeremiah 17:7) and not in the simple, rash opinions of others.  Be confident in knowing that as much as your LEO has heard this calling to protect and serve…you’ve been called to this life as well. 

I’ve learned, and am continually reminding myself, that I do have a choice in all of this.  For my own health and mental sanity, I am clinging to those in my life that support our family and I am consciously choosing to ignore the voices that don’t.  I have decided that I would rather spend my time working, cleaning, cooking, walking the dog, stepping on Legos, picking up litter from a street corner, folding fitted sheets, and licking stamps, than giving up one more minute worrying about trying to change the minds of people who have never even met my husband. (For the record, he’s pretty great…even if you count the fact that he has never learned how to actually put a sock into the hamper).  

So whether your LEO is protecting and serving in a department plastered all over the news or a quiet one…whether he’s employed by a department of hundreds or a handful...be proud…be confident…be strong…and know you are not alone in this. 

l Sandee l

Sisters Like No Other

I know we’ve all seen the post circling the LEOW groups and pages that says, “No one has your back more than a LEOW you’ve never met.” I’ve seen this statement in action online many times. Wives defending another when one is “attacked” because of a statement or comment she made. Congratulations pouring out for a newly engaged or married sister. Offers for a place to stay when in town. Diapers and formula showing up at a wives home after a vent session. And the list goes on... I refer to this kind of love and care as a Blue Line Sorority Sisterhood.

Earlier this year I experienced this love and care from several women I have yet to meet in person. During my fight with Covid I received several packages in the mail from friends. I was bombarded with PMs, texts, and phone calls checking on me and my progress. I really felt loved. Every single query felt sincere. To be apart of this sisterhood is really unexplainable.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if the rest of the world was like this? A place that, despite our many differences we are still able to love and care for each other. From where I stand it’s not looking good, but I will remain hopeful. I’ve heard my Pastor make the statement in the past that there should not be such a thing as a homeless Christian, not when there are so many churches that exist. Well I’m here to say there should not be a lonely LEOW, not when this sisterhood is so big. Who knew that when you’re at the bottom it would be a stranger with a kind heart that would pull you up. And not only that but walk with you until the end of the journey to ensure you’re safe.

Because of this sisterhood I now have lifelong friends. Ladies I can’t imagine my world without. Women that have poured into me not expecting anything in return. Women who have encouraged me to step out of my box and do what’s necessary even though it maybe uncomfortable. Women who have been cheering me on to succeed in life and in my marriage. There are women in my circle who know me better than me. My mind is constantly blown. Did I tell you that I have not yet known any of these ladies for a year? Not one! During one of those times when I was feeling extremely lonely I decided to find at least one other police wife I could relate to. I found a whole Sorority of Blue Line Sisters instead. I found what I needed when I wasn’t even sure what I was looking for. I am so filled with joy because each relationship has done something positive in my life.

We are sisters like no other! We are the Blue Line Sorority Sisters.

l Kerry-Ann l

Refuse to Sink

One day last summer I had run out of the office to grab a salad for lunch from the grocery store around the corner.  It seemed like a simple enough thing to do and I didn’t think much of it all.  I was minding my own business, in my own crazy little head, thinking about what I needed to do back at work.  As I walked out of the door and made my way back to my car, I stopped suddenly, shocked and stunned to see a red SUV in the parking lot, covered from end to end in the words, “ACAB, Defund the Police,” and specifically, “XX (insert explicative here) City-my-husband-works-for PD pigs,” written over and over again in what I assume to be shoe polish…all over the body and windows of the vehicle.  I just stood there feeling punched in the gut.
 

This vehicle’s message rang loud and clear (which I’m partly sure was…I couldn’t care less about my car’s paint job). In my opinion, this vehicle, and I assume its occupants, were filled with hate. I would love to be proven wrong, but that’s all I could manage to see. They certainly weren’t thanking my LEO for his service.  To make myself feel better, I immediately started texting my friends and family.  I was just horrified and needed them to feel horrified too…and so…I vented. 

As 2020 prodded on, and the riots and protests progressed and gathered momentum, I developed a horrible habit of reading tons and tons of comments on social media news posts about police.  I quickly became addicted. I would start my day off after a great night’s sleep (unless someone forgot to turn off his radio while it was charging and I jumped out of my skin in the middle of the night at strange voices in my closet), with a strong cup of coffee and a happy face…until I started scrolling. My husband isn’t on social media so I was sure to share with him my concerns and vented constantly about what I was seeing. 

Just as social media can help us feel connected to others, especially during a crazy pandemic, it can also be detrimental to our mental health when we let it get the better of us.  It’s no surprise that my anxiety soon skyrocketed and I felt a sense of depression settling in. 

As much good as healthy venting can do by relieving tension and stress, toxic venting can be extremely detrimental.  By telling the same negative story over and over again it can make it tough to move past a situation.  I was guilty of giving more of a voice to those owners of the red SUV and to the owners of the horrific, anti-police comments on social media than they deserved. 

Funny how God can place the simplest of things in our faces to wake us up and change our focus.  I am so grateful that He never fails to meet me where I am…and where I was, was in my daily funk, on my sofa, scrolling through the internet when I came across this simple quote, 

“I stopped venting and started praying because I didn’t need sympathy, I needed strength.” – Author Unknown  

Maybe you’ve seen it before, but I never had and it definitely struck a chord with me.  I finally realized what I had been doing and knew I needed to make some changes.  My venting wasn’t helping my LEO get through his day.  It wasn’t encouraging at all. To be honest it really wasn’t helping me either, even if it may have gained me some sympathy here and there.  

Every day I am trying to do my best not to fall into my old habits. I am very careful about my time on social media, I have removed several of the accounts and pages that I followed, and limit how much news I watch.  Today when I find myself worried or anxious, or even angry at the things going on in this world and what my LEO faces on a regular basis, I do call up a friend who will listen…but first ask them to just pray for me….and often times I find that’s all I needed. 

l Sandee l