Honor

I haven’t shared any blogs on the PWOA site in a few months now.  Although my husband might tell you otherwise…shockingly enough…I guess I’ve just had nothing to say.  I’ve written about lonely nights, feeling like a single woman even though you’re married, raising kids, trying to keep the romance alive in the midst of overtime and SWAT callouts, and everyone’s favorite…constantly finding ammo in the washing machine.  Unfortunately, I have something to say now...something to ask you... 

My first blog for PWOA was about ironing my rookie son’s first uniform as he was about to graduate the police academy.  How proud and completely stunned I was to be doing that seemingly simple chore…how I prayed over that shirt while trying not to double crease it and cried my eyes out like a lunatic while doing it. 

My thoughts went right back to that story tonight when my LEO texted me asking if I would iron a uniform for him.  It was more wrinkled than he thought it was and he needs it to be ready bright and early tomorrow morning.  How do you say no to a guy working an overtime shift after a 10 hour day? 

This particular uniform shirt…with long sleeves and hash marks showing his 20 years of service…will be worn while leading a fallen officer’s funeral procession with his motor team.  Again, I find myself praying over a uniform, begging God for his protection over this man that I love. 

The fallen officer was 27 years old.  He was shot and killed in the line of duty while answering a domestic violence call. 

My LEO son has been on special assignment this week aiding the grieving neighboring police department in the arrangements of this service.  He’s been learning what goes on behind the scenes in the planning of a ceremony like this and will lead a group of volunteers tomorrow in the set up and tear down of staging at the church.  What an honor to be a part of such a special time.  I know that he is striving for perfection and wants nothing more than to get it right. 

As I listen to my son telling me how he’s been preparing for the ceremony…as I observe my husband ready himself for a long ride tomorrow and know the team has been running the procession routes today…it all comes back to her…I just can not imagine being this young officer’s mother.  I may never meet this woman, but how my heart aches for her.  

In the morning I know right where I’ll be…standing on the side of Highway 7 with my hand on heart…to pay respects to this young man who took an oath to serve and protect his community…I will be praying for his family, his girlfriend, and especially his mother…which is the least I can do.  I would ask all of you to pray for this family as well.

l Sandee l

Living the Police Wife Life

Living the Police Wife Life is certainly unique. Unique in the fact that our husbands have multiple loves…because their careers are generally not just a job, but a life-long love. A true calling. An irreplaceable part of their identity. A camaraderie, a brotherhood, a uniquely bonded family that we (their actual family) often feel left out of. We’re on the outskirts and, if not careful, we wives can end up feeling a little lost. Unsure of where we rank on this list of Blue priorities. I’m here to say that these feelings of conflict, isolation, and insecurity are quite common and normal in this life.

I don’t know a single police wife that hasn’t walked this walk and felt these feelings. You’re amongst sisters here who can firmly validate you. However, I’m also here to say that I see a lot of marital behaviors that we should not accept as normal. Police marriages are challenging, sure, and as married partners, both spouses have duties to the other. As wives, it is our job to respect, support, and encourage our husbands so they can thrive as they develop their law enforcement identity. We must choose to be selfless time and time again, picking up the slack when they cannot be present, and showing grace in moments when we would rather be resentful. They need support from home to truly be successful. Being a police wife means understanding the sacrifice, the commitment, and the duty that sometimes puts our personal lives on hold at inconvenient moments.

Now for the fun part ladies, let me grab my megaphone: YOUR MEN ARE NOT EXCUSED FROM THEIR ROLES AT HOME! Being a cop does not dismiss the fact that these men should first be a husband, a father, a loving partner. I know being a rookie cop comes with an overwhelming addiction to the lifestyle. I know the adrenaline highs can be irresistible. I know the job is often way more exciting than the routine of family life. I know there are extremely hard factors like PTSD, shift hours, endless amounts of trauma, and a million other things…but none of this serves as a reasonable excuse for families to be left behind and continually neglected.

As a wife, it is reasonable to expect help around the home, support with the children, and to be seen, validated, and nurtured. Yes, life long marital commitment does require each partner to do more sacrificing at various moments along the way….but neither partner should be sacrificing 100% of the time. It’s about balance, a give and take, with both partners striving to give whenever possible. That’s all. I just wanted to say this loudly and clearly. Be a reasonable, graceful spouse. But don’t forget that you deserve a present, loving, supportive spouse in return. It’s not unreasonable to expect this, even in this crazy, unpredictable Blue life. Y’all are rockstars, and the backbone that keeps everything going. Behind every strong, healthy LEO is a wife who’s managing the hectic schedule and challenging him to be the best version of himself.

l Alyssa B. l

Learning to Let Go of Fear

My husband and I had a beautiful date night this past Friday.  Our girls spent the night at their grandma’s and we spent an entire evening catching up.  We went to dinner and then did a little shopping.  Then we came home and had a fire in the backyard and even snuck in a long late-night walk around town.  We recreated the kind of night we used to have before our littles came along.  We talked a lot.  We talked about everything and nothing.  It was easily the best night we’ve had in a very long time and so very needed.  

We talked about what life would have looked like had he started in LE earlier in life.  It made me wonder if I had been a young wife when he became a LEO if I would have been able to handle the fear and worry as well as I do know.  We had both lived a lifetime of experiences before he switched gears and started this LE adventure.  I was in my late 30’s and he was in his early 30’s.  Yes, I am 5 years older than him.  When I was younger, I was a ball of worry and anxiety.  I focused on all of the worst-case scenarios in every situation.  I can’t imagine how hard having a husband in law enforcement would have been for me at that point in my life.  I can’t say that I never find worry or fear creeping in, but at 44 years-old, I am able to control my emotions a little more easily.  I am fairly certain that has come with life experience and acceptance of what is out of my control.  Or maybe it has all come down to my ability to hand it over to God.  Whatever the reason, I am grateful that my husband didn’t answer God’s call until I was ready.  

That conversation also got me thinking about my husband’s ability to push fear aside.  He is human, after all.  Doesn’t that mean he has to feel fear in certain situations as well?  Of course he does, but somehow our LEOS have the ability to push that aside to answer the call.  There is no doubt in my mind that this job is not meant for everyone.  I don’t think all the training in the world could make me push the fear aside, but this is something that the men and women who wear the badge do on a daily basis.  Every domestic disturbance, check person, 911 investigate, or traffic stop could ultimately end in a fight or injury.  Every time a LEO stops out on a crash they could be struck by a vehicle.  The outcome of any call is never known, and they each understand that, but yet they continue to push that fear aside and do whatever is necessary to save lives and protect their communities.  

I don’t tell you any of this to invoke fear and worry.  I am telling you this to remind you that you have been called to walk alongside your LEO and because of this, you must be brave.  You are so much braver than you realize.  Life is beautiful and messy and sometimes filled with the unknown and that’s okay.  None of us have any idea what tomorrow holds, but that should never stop us from living in each moment and finding the incredible joy that each breath can bring.  When your husband straps on his body armor each day, you can put on your emotional armor.  God will provide you with strength if you hand your worries over to Him each day.  I will leave you with my all-time favorite Bible verse.  “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7

l Michelle l

All I Ask is That You Come Home Safe

From the very beginning of my husband's career, I've required two things from him:

1) Do your job with the utmost integrity and 2) Come home safe. So far he has accomplished both amazingly well.

I struggled early on with fear for his life. Sometimes my heart just marinated in worry to where it almost felt like I was being choked by it. I would dwell on potential pain to the point of having paranoid ideations. What would I do if I lost him? How would I move forward and be the mother I needed to be? How could I ever do life alone and not destroy our children's lives with my sorrow?

I learned over time to control my thoughts, emotions, and fears. But the truth is, it is always ready to go, bubbling under the surface. Weeks like this only exacerbate these feelings where it seems every direction you turn Officers are being targeted and their lives taken in one fell swoop. I've studied the photos of their families' smiling faces, sharing beautiful, pure joy-filled moments and I see my own family, my own husband, my own life. Those moments are now replaced with the images we can't see. The long, agonizing, miserable and lonely nights with tear-stained pillows, the sad, tear-stained faces. The babies that never get to be held by their fathers or mothers again. The wives and husbands that will never again feel the sweet embrace of their love. It's excruciatingly painful to even envision. It was supposed to be different. We have other plans for our future. In the end, we just don't control if that will ever be us. We can walk alongside those who now live this reality, all while holding our breath, praying, pleading that it's never us.

I will continue to ask my husband to come home safe, and he will try with all his might. At the end of the day, that's all they can do. Dwelling in this fact can be unbearable, but sometimes you just can't help yourself.

Pure hatred for our men and women in blue is running rampant and it is destroying thousands of lives. Will it ever change, or will we always feel like we're waiting for the other shoe to drop? It has to change. Our world has to change. The good have to rise and fight back, it will destroy us all if we don't find a way.

In the meantime, I will just keep repeating, "All I ask is that you come home safe", and have hope that he will. I will cling to the beautiful moments we have and cherish each and every one of them as if they're our last.

Cultivate Your Law Enforcement Relationship

Marriage and relationships are hard.  Beautifully and chaotically hard.  They are not supposed to be easy.  It requires consistent work and cultivation to make it grow.  People don’t often believe me when I tell them that my husband and I can count the number of arguments we’ve had on one hand.  We are insanely compatible and have an incredibly easy relationship, however, it still requires effort to keep it that way.  

My husband hasn’t always been in LE.  I had no idea that I fell in love with a future Deputy.  Honestly, neither did he.  This career change came several years into our relationship.  I have been his biggest cheerleader and advocate all the way through the process and I will always stand by his side.  But this process has also brought about many changes in him.  Most are positive, but, if I’m being completely honest, some aren't.  Many of you are aware of the toll LE can take on our loved ones.  Traumas, critical incidents, hypervigilance, night-shift, 12 hour shifts and OT can all have an impact on our LEO’s emotional and physical well-being.  Add to that the war on cops and lack of community and political support and it all takes a toll.  Oftentimes, our LEOS are completely unaware of the changes in themselves, but we see them.  Sometimes all we can do is give them grace and understanding as they sort it out, but the important thing is to not give up on them.

I have learned over the past couple of years that it is my duty to try and understand what my husband goes through on a shift and how it impacts him mentally and physically.  I know that I can’t always change it or fix it for him, but by educating myself on the rigors of the job, I can do better at extending him grace.  I am not giving our LEOS a free-pass to be complete jerks and/or withdraw from their family responsibilities completely.  I am simply offering you some tools to help cultivate your LE relationship.  

I was listening to a podcast this afternoon that had some great insight into a LE relationship.  I would recommend listening to The Squad Room ( https://www.thesquadroom.net/podcasts/) episode 137 featuring Victoria Newman.  She is the founder of How2LoveOurCops.org and the author of several books, including, “A CHiP on My Shoulder - How to Love Your Cop with Attitude.”  The host Garrett TeSlaa sat down and talked to Victoria about her and her husband’s LE journey and how they not only saved their own marriage, but are also on a mission to help countless others.  In this interview, Garrett TeSlaa mentions that the spouse or significant other is instrumental in helping a LEO do his/her job effectively.  He referred to us as the team manager.  We are the ones who orchestrate everything at home.  We help our LEOS manage the day-to-day home responsibilities, as well as help them with getting prepared for each shift.  I found that to be very profound.  Our support can be instrumental in helping our LEOS to do their job to the best of their abilities.  And we are also their first line of defense when it comes to their mental health.  We know them best and we can often detect the changes before they can.  We may not be able to fix them, but we can educate ourselves and get armed with tools that can help.

The bottom line is that you should always be willing to work on your relationship.  There may be times that you feel like you are doing 80% of the work, but I promise that there will come a day where your LEO returns the favor and puts forth more effort than you.  Don’t be afraid to learn about your LEO’s job and the impacts of it.  Read books, blogs and articles, listen to podcasts and talk with other LEOWS/significant others to gather as much info as possible.  Assemble your support team and above all else, don’t ever forget to fight for your relationship.         

-Michelle-           

Let’s Talk About Trauma

Having his six means being there however our LEO needs us to be, so let’s talk about trauma.  Trauma is like the elephant in the room that no one, including your LEO, wants to talk about.  Trauma is real and it varies for everyone.  The key is accepting it and allowing oneself to deal with it.  This is not something that everyone can do easily.  In fact, I would guess (it’s only a guess because I am not a mental health care provider) that most people fall short when it comes to identifying the trauma that they have incurred.  

I was thinking about this over the past week.  My husband works a generally safe area, and the traumatic calls seem to be few and far between.  But are they?  What constitutes a trauma?  I don’t know about you, but seeing a dead body of any sort would be a traumatic experience for me.  Even a seemingly peaceful death of natural causes would likely be more than I could handle, but these are a normal occurrence for first responders.  My husband once told me about a suicide call that he had to respond to.  He told me about how a wife found her husband after he shot himself.  I had to choke back tears as I put myself into her shoes.  That was a trauma for me, and I wasn’t the one who had to see the body, interview the family and console a grieving wife.  My husband seemed completely unfazed by it.  But was he really?  

Our LEOS do a great job of compartmentalizing events and situations that most people would find traumatic, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect them emotionally.  Pushing normal reactions and feelings aside in order to do their job can certainly be detrimental to their mental health.  But how do we as wives/significant others help?

I give my husband space to sort through his feelings on his own, but I gently remind him that I’m ready and willing to listen if he needs to talk.  I pay very close attention to his moods and reactions to normal everyday events.  Sometimes, if I notice that he is short-tempered or perhaps gets after the kids for seemingly minor offenses, I will pull him aside and let him know that I can see he is stressed.  I will remind him that he’s had some tough calls and it’s okay to take time to process them.  I tell him that he doesn’t have to be superman and it’s completely okay to feel.  I never attack him or talk down to him.  I simply open the door to communication.  

Again, I’m not a mental-health specialist, just a wife who is deeply invested in her marriage.  I am doing my best to learn what I can about how to help my husband navigate this career and ensure that he is healthy, both physically and mentally, along the way.  Our LEOS will inevitably be faced with traumas of all sizes throughout their careers, and while we can’t always fix it for them, we can offer them the support they need to get the help they deserve.  Many departments offer resources for LEOS to get mental health help.  Do yourself a favor and learn about them.  Find out what’s available to both your LEO as well as you.  Secondary trauma is a very real thing, and you may someday find yourself needing some outside help as well.  We can’t help our LEOS if we aren’t healthy ourselves.  

I want to hear from you!  How do you help your husband/significant other prioritize mental health?  What do you do to show your LEO you have his six when it comes to trauma?  Drop a comment on social media to share what works for you and your LEO.  It is so important to help each other navigate this life.  

l Michelle l

What is a Hero?

Every year in May, the families of Law Enforcement observe National Police Week.  It’s a somber week filled with memorials, remembrance, and reflection.  Prior to my husband starting his career in Law Enforcement, I had no inkling that such a week existed.  It wasn’t something that I ever thought about.  Now it is a part of my life that I will take with me to the grave.  It is a yearly reminder of the rigors and dangers that the job brings with it.  It is a reminder that over 22,000 Law Enforcement Officers have been killed in the line-of-duty since the first recorded death in 1786.  

This week is a time to honor the fallen, but I can’t help but reflect on both the living and the dead.  It always makes me think about the kind of person who is called to do this job.  Who signs up to do a job knowing they may pay the ultimate price doing it?  Who signs up to be hated just for the uniform they wear?  Who signs up to be scrutinized by the public just for doing what they are trained to do?  Heroes do.  I have always hesitated to use that word to describe LEOS because when you lift anyone up too high, the fall can cause great damage.  Let’s be honest, most LEOS would never consider themselves heroes.  They would tell you they are simply doing their jobs.  

I looked up the dictionary definition of “hero,” because I never really thought about the official meaning.  It has a few different definitions, but one struck me as accurate when describing LEOS.  It simply means, “one who shows great courage.”  If that doesn’t describe a Law Enforcement Officer I don’t know what does.  They know the inherent dangers of the job yet they continue to respond to every call.  They continue to run toward the danger in order to save their fellow citizens in need.  Who does that?  If I heard gunfire, I’d run the other way.  I certainly wouldn’t run toward it.  LEOS continue to put themselves in harms way despite the narrative that they are the bad guys.  I’ve never heard of a bad guy risking their life to save that of another.   

I have always considered my husband my hero.  Long before he entered the field of Law Enforcement, he was protecting and sacrificing for me and our children.  Somehow, it just made sense to me when he said he wanted to go into Law Enforcement.  The thought of him possibly losing his own life to protect a stranger’s is always in the back of my mind, and it is terrifying, but I know that God has a plan and this is what He called him to do.  Holding onto faith is hard sometimes and I find myself getting my breath knocked right out of me every time I learn about another line-of-duty death.  I find myself in the wife’s shoes for just a moment.  I find myself crying for her and feeling that deep ache that just can’t be dulled.  

This week each year, I make it a priority to learn more about the meaning of police week, but most importantly I take the time to thank God for the men and women who have chosen to do the job, especially the ones who have made the ultimate sacrifice or have been disabled in the line-of-duty.  This week I will pray for the families that have been left behind.  I will never stop praying for those families because every time we lose a LEO, we lose a part of our family.

l Michelle l

From Humor to Heartbreak and Everything in Between

“Ope. There’s a turkey behind me.”  I hear a car door open.  “That’s right.  Move along.”  These are the conversations that I am privy to as a deputy’s wife.  I was talking with my husband one morning as he sat on a tree in the road waiting for the township shops to arrive.  I laughed so hard to hear this exchange.  Moments later I hear him say, “It’s back.” And then he starts gobbling at it.  I asked him if he was going to need to call for backup and before we hung up the phone he promised that if he got into an altercation with the turkey, he’d let me know.  These are the moments that bring laughter and allow the job to feel a little less heavy.  I needed that laugh that day because anger and heaviness had been consuming my soul in the days prior.

Of course, the entire conversation was not that light.  My husband went silent to listen to the radio transmission just moments before.  I was able to hear it as well.  His Sheriff called into dispatch stating that he was in his personal vehicle and happened upon a car stopped in the middle of the roadway.  He believed that the driver was passed out behind the wheel with a foot on the brake.  I could hear the concern and compassion in his voice.  Moments later he stated that he could see a meth pipe in the driver’s hand.  

I told my husband that divine intervention was at work.  The driver passed out, foot on the brake, in the middle of the road in a high traffic area in our city.  Our Sheriff just happened to drive by and spot it prior to the area businesses opening for the day.  God was protecting people and He was using our LEO’s to do it.

This job is a mix of funny stories and heartbreaking tragedies.  Most calls fall somewhere in between those extremes, but it takes a very special person to be able to handle each and every one of those situations. Our LEOS face calls that run the gamut all shift long.  They are forced to push aside their emotions from one call in order to effectively handle the next one.  They do what seems absolutely impossible to me.  The empath in me would need days to recover from some of those calls, yet these men and women file the emotions away and run to the next call.  

To my fellow LEO wives/significant others, remember to embrace the laughter when it comes and allow it to fill your hearts.  Our loved ones are truly doing God’s work.  Take comfort in knowing that.  Tune out the loud minority of people who are anti-LE and listen to God’s message alone.  That morning, that turkey was sent to make my husband and I both laugh when we needed it the most.  Keep your eyes out for your “turkey”.     

l Michelle l

Police Littles

Comforting, brave, strong and smart.  These are the words that my daughter used to describe what it takes to be a Law Enforcement Officer.

You see, our sleepy town was just rocked with a tragedy.  We tried to shield our kiddos from the details as much as possible, but they knew there was a “bad guy” at large and the LEOS were working diligently to catch him.  Once he was in custody, I shared that news with the girls and our 7-year-old was disappointed that she wasn’t the one who got to catch him.  She told me she thinks that kids should be allowed to be police officers and she’d make a good one because she’s comforting, brave, strong and smart, just like her daddy.   

That conversation with my daughter really got me thinking about what it must be like to be the child of a LEO.  There are thousands of Law Enforcement children across the nation who adore their LEO parents.  They know their hearts and they are infinitely proud of what their LEO parent does.  It makes me sad that so many children have to be told not to share with people what their moms and dads do for a living in order to protect them from a society so filled with hatred for their heroes.  We, personally, are blessed to live in a part of the country that is very Law Enforcement friendly, but we are still cautious when it comes to sharing many details.  We have to survey the crowd and build some trust before divulging too much since we never know who may be connected to someone my husband has had encounters with.  

Our children are still pretty young, but I can see how their understanding of their daddy’s career is changing as they grow.  They haven’t yet reached the point of feeling scared for their dad, but I know that time will inevitably come and it makes my heart sink.  We have always vowed not to lie to our kids, but we are very careful to only share information that is relevant to their age so as not to overwhelm them or scare them with details that might be too much.  I also have a 17-year-old daughter (who my husband is blessed to call his bonus daughter) and she has been part of our journey into law enforcement from the beginning.  She recently told me that she doesn’t know how I can send him off to work each night without worrying.  Because of what she sees us go through, she has made it very clear that she has no intention of ever marrying a LEO.          

As of right now, our 5-year-old is so enamored with what her daddy does that she plans to be a police officer who is also a ballerina.  I giggle when I picture that career combination, but it forces me to think about what our girls’ futures may hold.  I often wonder if any of them will follow in their daddy’s footsteps.  I have such mixed feelings about this.  I know that my husband and I would be proud if they pursued this career, but I don’t know how I’d ever relax knowing they were doing a job that requires body armor.  I try hard not to think too far into the future and instead keep life light and live intentionally in the present.  The future will be here soon enough and there is no sense in worrying about something that may never happen.  

Right now, I will lean on my fellow LEOWS/significant others as I navigate parenting in a LEO family and I highly recommend you all do the same because it really does take a village.

l Michelle l  

They Sign Up to Make a Difference

My LEO was born a cop.  Some just are.  Some find their calling or path along the way, but I know undoubtedly that mine was put on this earth to be a police officer.  It is the only thing he’s ever wanted to be or do with his life other than being a father.  From a little boy playing “Chips” on his bicycle, to being on the motorcycle team today, this has been his calling.   

As most officers do, my LEO works long hours.  A 10 to 12 hour day on that bike in the summer heat…wearing a bullet-proof vest…carrying 30 pounds of gear on his duty belt that kills his back…it’s exhausting (and quite smelly by the end of it).  Is that part of the job?  Yes.  Is that his choice?  Yes. 

Are people rude to him?  Yes.  Do citizens call him names?  Yes. Does it come with the territory?  Unfortunately, yes. 

Then, there’s gun qualifications, motorcycle training, regular skills trainings, emergency response team training, report writing courses, equipment trainings, computer classes…this list goes on.  Is that part of the job?  Most definitely, yes.   

After almost 30 years in law enforcement, our family is experiencing something ugly and new.  My LEO received an anonymous threat and it was sent to our home.  There are too many personal details about him and our family in the note for his department to not take it seriously and they are doing what they can to help and investigate it. 

Maybe we will never hear from this coward again.  Maybe we will never know who sent it.  But unfortunately, the note has done its job…our family is rattled and unsettled….and honestly, just creeped out. 

No one can possibly convince me that this is what he, or any other LEO signed up for. 

I'm clinging to the promise of Deuteronomy 31:6 and thought it was a verse that maybe we all need to be reminded of today.

"Be strong and courageous.  Do not fear or be in dread of them for it is the Lord your God who goes with you.  He will not leave or forsake you."  

Re-Framing Your Perspective

I want to talk a little bit about re-framing your perspective and how that can help you cope with the chaos for LEO family life.  I know first-hand there is nothing normal about being married to a LEO.  The 12-hour shifts, overnights, long weekends, non-existent holidays, and endless OT can take a toll.  Factor in the worry that many of us feel when our LEO is on-duty and it can be a recipe for disaster for our own mental health.  Anger and resentment can creep in very easily and take us by surprise.  I know.  I’ve been there.  

My husband and I have what I consider to be a fairy tale kind of love.  I have known since the day we met that God handpicked this man for me.  I would be content spending every single second with him, and if we were the last two people left on Earth, that would be enough for both of us.  You can imagine my surprise when I started feeling resentment and anger towards him about three years into this career.  I couldn’t figure out how I could ever feel that way towards a man who I have always considered the hero of my story.  I had to take a step back and figure out what was going on in my heart and mind.  Who was I mad at?  Why was I mad?  The truth is, I wasn’t mad at my LEO, I was mad at his career and the changes it made in him and our family.

I knew that I couldn’t feel angry any longer so I started looking for ways to change my heart.  I poured myself into books, podcasts, and all the resources I could find that explained the changes in my husband, as well as my frustrations.  And boy did I learn.  I learned that my husband is not alone.  Between the schedule he works, the people he deals with and the hyper vigilance that his job requires, he has changed, but so has everyone else in his field.  I also learned that I am not alone in any sense of the word.  I found LEO spouses and significant others who were also in my shoes.  A lot of them.  

After learning that, I felt like I began to understand the “why’s”.  Once I learned why my husband and I had the feelings we did, I could begin to make changes.  I like to refer to this as “reframing my perspective”.  I started to look at things differently.  What does that mean?  Here are a couple of examples:

1. My husband would often sleep all day on his first day off (naturally as he works 6pm to 6am).  He would then wake up for dinner and spend some time with us as a family only to fall back asleep on the couch shortly after.  That left me to deal with the kids' bedtime routine alone, yet again.  I would get frustrated and angry because I felt like a solo parent already after several nights of my husband working and was looking forward to a bit of a reprieve.  After doing my homework and better understanding what my husband is going through for 18-24 hours after coming off of a shift, I found myself giving more grace.  I also was more easily able to convey my feelings to him and he was then able to see things from my point of view.  He started making a more conscious effort to adjust his sleeping schedule to be more supportive to me.

1. I have always been a very social person.  I love to go to parties and public events.  My husband has always been a bit more introverted, but would generally oblige me and participate in social events with me.  After he started his career in law enforcement, he  became even more introverted.  I struggled to get him to go anywhere with the occasional exception of a fellow LE family’s home.  He began to avoid public places like they were the plague.  I would get upset when he wouldn’t want to participate in social events.  I longed for that social interaction, but he found it exhausting.  I had a very difficult time grasping why he had become so anti-social.  After learning more about the psychology of the job, it started to make more sense.  It allowed me to open up a dialogue with my LEO about how I understood what was going on in his mind.  I could better articulate my frustrations and he was more receptive to my needs.  We have found ways to balance both of our needs.    

I can’t stress enough how important it is for us as spouses/partners to do our homework.  Our LEOS can’t simply shut off the job.  They have that protector mindset turned on at all times.  Can you imagine how your LEO would feel if he were to let his guard down off-duty and a threat occurred and he wasn’t able to protect the people around him, especially the ones he loves?  He would not likely be able to live with himself.  That is why your LEO is guarded and on high-alert when you are out in public together.  Remembering things like this will make it easier for you to reframe your perspective.

I will add that none of what I have shared here gives your LEO a pass to be a jerk to you in a demeaning or toxic way.  Mental abuse and gas-lighting is never okay and I would never condone behavior like that.  An occasional outburst or disagreement is one thing, but anger or threatening behavior on a regular basis is unfair to you.  If that is occurring I would encourage you to seek professional help for both you and your spouse.   

At the end of the day, a successful relationship is one where you are both equally invested.  Putting some effort into understanding what makes the other who they are can go a long way toward a grace-filled life.

l Michelle l

I'm ok, Mom

“I’m ok, Mom…” that’s how the text messages always start…what follows often stops me in my tracks. 

“I’m ok, at a church shooting with multiple victims.”   

“I’m ok, 5 shot at a hotel.  Suspect at large.”   

“I’m ok, just put a tourniquet on a guy shot in the arm.” 

These are text messages that I have received from my son over the past few weeks. 

I’m not gonna lie…they are a lot for me for handle emotionally.   

Don’t get me wrong…I’m extremely grateful that he finds even a second to let me know he’s alright, especially on these tragic nights where news crews become quickly involved. The media is somehow constantly standing by, ready to pounce on every dreadful event, excited to blast it through the airwaves.  It is quite comforting to know that my kid is safe before I see the story on the evening news. 

The texts that arrive tell me that my son is physically ok.  But, can I tell you how much I worry about the after effects of the disturbing incidences that he witnesses or has to take part in?  In his short year on patrol, he has already run into so many horrific situations that I know I will never see in my lifetime, nor do I want to.  

The mental and emotional health of our LEOs can be overlooked way too easily.  Even if a department has excellent resources to offer, the stigmatization of mental health is often a major factor in preventing a LEO from asking for help when they need it. 

I often feel lost as a PWOA in this area and especially recently as a new LEO parent.  This lifestyle can be just as overwhelming and hard as it is wonderful and rewarding.  Here a few basic things we can do to help ourselves and our hardworking LEOs: 

1) Encourage your LEO to prioritize their health.  Regular exercise, good nutrition, and solid sleep are huge factors that play into mental and emotional health.  Graveyard shifts can make this extra tricky for sure. 

2) Prioritize time with family and friends.  Keeping our relationships strong with our LEOs is of the utmost importance for them and obviously us.  Make an appointment and even schedule quality family time if needed. 

3) If you think your LEO would benefit from talking to a counselor, do all you can to encourage them to do so.  Even just a session or two can help them work through trauma and can give them tools to deal with what they go through.  I realize this can be easier said than done.  

Please keep in mind, that all of the above goes for spouses too. What kind of support system can we be if we aren’t taking care of ourselves or getting help if we need it? 

Every single day while driving in for his shift, Colton gives me a quick call just to check in and pray.  I take that 2 minutes and ask God to protect my son, keep him safe, keep him strong, and to surround him on all sides.  It goes without saying that I would pray for his protection with or without a call…but I cherish our little routine. 

And…the next time my phone beeps with an incoming, “I’m Ok” message…I know I’ll sit and pray those words over and over again. 

l Sandee l

When Something Happens to Them, it Happens to Us

My husband has been a police officer for many years. There have been many highs and lows throughout his time, and with experience, you begin to recognize the signs of fatigue and burnout. The stress can just start to eat away at them and it’s so important to know the signs so you can have some open communication about it.

My love came home last night, so incredibly weary, stressed, and frustrated with his department. It’s a “dog eat dog” world out there; a constant, never-ending cycle of people trying to make a name for themselves, no matter who it burns in the process. The things Officers see and deal with on calls usually results in a cumulative stress reaction, a build-up over time where it just explodes out of them. But you know what can really drain and drag them down on a constant basis? The daily pressure and political games departments put their officers through. Morale so deadly it just sucks the life out of every single person who walks through those doors. (*Scratching head* I wonder why Officers are leaving departments in droves?) The constant feeling where someone is always critiquing you, waiting to pounce on any and every bad judgement call you make to further their own career. The constant anxiety of them questioning your integrity or ability for their own personal gain. There is always someone making political moves up top, which makes it really easy to believe you are being directly targeted at all times if you aren’t participating in the “Good Ole Boy” system. Sounds fun right??   

Weak leadership is a poison. There are pockets of corruption and shadiness that very swiftly eat away at the morale of a department. Along with cumulative stress, they deal with wondering who will jump to feed them to the wolves first. This job is difficult enough without adding the array of tension to their daily dose of crap. Department heads claim to care about Officers’ mental health, but what is the point of peer support and counseling if the problem causing it (them) doesn’t correct themselves and their toxic practices?  I don’t wonder why the suicide rate in this profession is so high. It’s not rocket science. If you don’t mentally fortify, they can eat you alive.

So now that I’m off my soap box, how do you deal with the toxicity? This is where we come in, Wives.

I let him vent. He was angry and he got it all out. Every. Last. Bit. (It was a long night.) We discussed the ins and outs of the issue and came up with several “next moves”, weighing the pros and cons of every decision. We have built a relationship where he trusts my opinion and we communicate openly about everything. I know a lot more about his job and the people who work there than I ever care to, or probably ever would if he was any other profession. But he needs that support and understanding - they all do. Communication in this line of work is so crucial for the success of your marriage because this stress and worry tends to spill over into your personal lives. It’s usually just inevitable that these two worlds intertwine. We need to have enough insight where we can give them helpful and knowledgeable advice they can actively utilize. Because I can honestly say, when something happens to them, it happens to us. I feel the impact of that.

After a while, I gently encouraged him to look at it objectively, because stress and being overworked can change your point of view significantly. There are many MANY issues, and his points are all very valid. Due to the fact everyone looks out for themselves, there are very few you can really trust who have your back. That can really wear on their psyche and they must find ways to blow off the steam. In the heat of the moment, everything seems so much worse than it is until you have a chance to breathe, analyze, and come up with solutions. It’s important to recognize that perhaps they just need the time to re-calibrate, refocus on their “why”, and then it is so much easier to let things slide off their backs. Shady people will stay shady. My husband has fortified his mind and body enough that he can get frustrated, but he can push on through it. At the end of the day, his integrity will still be intact and that’s all that matters.

He went to work today with some new perspectives, a cooler head, and rest under his belt. Our job as their supporter is usually a tough one. We know what they are and the kind of men they strive to be. Insecure people will always try to tarnish those who have values, morals, and integrity. It’s a war that will never cease to wage. When people question my husband’s integrity, I take it as a personal insult, it’s hard not to. But I can quickly pick him up and dust him off with reassurance that he is a good man, no matter what anyone tries to throw at him. Most times it feels like it’s us against the world and usually, it really is. Treasure that.

Secondary Trauma is a Real Thing

I have been doing a lot of research and learning about trauma and its effect on people.  I am by no means a professional in the mental health field, but I want to be informed about it so I can know the warning signs of failing mental health, should my LEO or someone close to me exhibit them.  In doing my research, I have learned a lot.  Have you heard about secondary traumatic stress?  According to Wikipedia, “Secondary trauma can be incurred when an individual is exposed to people who have been traumatized themselves, disturbing descriptions of traumatic events by a survivor, or others inflicting cruelty on one another. Symptoms of secondary trauma are similar to those of PTSD.”  It is very real and can have lasting effects on a person.  We are very well aware of the traumas that our LEOS may encounter while on-duty, but those traumas may also inadvertently be passed on to us as the spouses/significant others.  In speaking with other LEOWS/significant others, I have a feeling this is a more common occurrence than we realize.

Most of us do our best to listen and be there for our LEOS when they need us.  We hear the stories and recounts of their calls and assume that because we are not seeing these things first-hand that we are unaffected by them.  That may not always be the case.  It may be affecting us negatively.  

I know that I personally started to become more distrusting of society as a whole after my husband started in law enforcement.  While I realize that this is probably common and understandable to some degree,  I found myself starting to feel like there are more bad people than good in the community.  I realized that I was avoiding certain places out of fear that I would encounter criminals.  I knew this was not a healthy outlook, and after doing my research I finally understood why I felt this way.  While trying to help keep my LEO mentally healthy, I found that I needed to do the same for myself.  

After I learned that this was likely the reason I felt so distrustful, I was able to change my perspective a little.  My husband and I talked about it and he reminded me that the general rule is that LE only deals with 10% of the public 90% of the time.  I’m a numbers person so that gives me comfort knowing that, on average, 90% of the population is inherently good.  My daily encounters are likely going to be with good, well-meaning human beings.  This discussion and reminder was enough to help me get past my own version of secondary trauma, but that doesn't mean you won’t need more help.

I can’t stress enough to you as LEO spouses or significant others, how important it is for you to pay attention to your own mental health.  It is so easy to get wrapped up in our LEO and looking for signs they might be struggling that we miss our own signals.  Try to pay attention to your own mental health meter.  Watch your own habits and analyze your own thoughts from time to time.  

Between secondary trauma and the everyday stress of managing the home and family with a husband or significant other who works crazy hours, long shifts and never-ending OT, it’s easy to board the struggle bus ourselves some days.  Be kind to yourself and learn to identify when you need help.  Take time to do a little research about traumas, and most importantly, if you are struggling on your own, get help.  Find a friend, a peer, or a professional to talk to.  Your mental health is just as important as your spouse or significant other’s.  And most importantly, know that you are never alone.       

l Michelle l 

Sometimes Our Hearts are Heavy

Most days I feel like I have it together in terms of being strong and not feeling fearful when I send my husband off to work.  But some days I feel smothered with fear and anxiety.  Through the years I have convinced myself that, statistically speaking, my husband will come home after every shift unscathed.  And then I read of another LEO who was injured or killed tragically in the line-of-duty and my confidence in this statistic gets shaken.  I can’t help but think about the fact that this particular LEO had the same statistics in his or her corner.  That LEO’s loved ones sent him or her off to work, like any other day, assuming that the end of the shift would come normally like all of the shifts before it did.  In the blink of an eye, everything changed for that LEO and his or her loved ones.  

Last night, as I was lying in bed, I felt this overwhelming sense of fear and anxiety creep in.  I checked my husband’s location and decided, for some insane reason, that it would be a good idea to turn on the scanner app on my phone.  I felt the need to hear my husband’s voice and figured if I just heard him say he was 10-2 (everything is okay) or 10-8 (cleared from a call and ready for service) I could calm down.  I was wrong.  It didn’t help.  I turned it on in the middle of a call so I had no idea what the first part sounded like.  All I knew is that dispatch was telling him that whomever he had stopped was known for resisting arrest.  I could not decipher the context of the call in the least.  I heard my husband calmly call for another squad to head his way.  My mind began racing and started playing out all kinds of worst-case scenarios.  Moments later, I heard the squad he had called to assist call out his own 10-80 (chase in-progress).  My heart began to race faster and I started to pray for both my husband and the other LEOS involved in this chase.  I worried that my husband was alone on a call with a potentially violent suspect and I worried that the chase currently occurring would have a tragic ending.    

At that moment, I thought about all the people who love the LEOS my husband works with.  I thought about their wives and girlfriends.  I thought about their children and parents.  I thought about their siblings and friends.  That’s the crazy thing about this LEO family.  Not only have I met many of the LEOS my husband works with, I have also met their families.  I have even spent time with some of their moms and dads.  I know that these LEOS are all so deeply loved and cherished.  I know that their hearts are huge when it comes to their families.  

After I prayed for everyone’s safety, I listened intently to the scanner for a resolution to the chase.  Fortunately, it wasn’t very long before I heard the reassuring words, “one in custody.”  I knew everyone involved in that situation were going home safe.  My thoughts turned back to my husband, and I held my breath until I heard him tell dispatch he was 10-8.  I knew he was safe for the time being, and I finally felt like I could go to sleep.  

The weight on my heart was still heavy last night, but I allowed myself to sleep anyway,  knowing that no matter what happened, I would not be able to change it.  The weight on the collective hearts of all LEO families is very heavy right now.  It’s tough to shake the feeling that our LEOS are walking targets.  It feels like no one has any remorse for harm that they cause to others these days.  It’s okay to feel fears and worries, but it’s not okay to let it overwhelm us to the point that we lose our joy.  Tomorrow is not promised to any of us, regardless of the job we do, so being intentional with the time we are given is so important. 

My advice to all the LEO wives and significant others would be to allow yourself to feel the fear and worry if you need to.  Cry if you need to.  Get angry if you need to, but do not let those feelings take over your life and consume your hearts.  We are human and we all feel big feelings sometimes, but it’s how we process them that matters.  I would also suggest that you DO NOT listen to the scanner when your LEO is on-duty.  I know better.  I know it seldom offers me peace, yet I do it anyway.  If it heightens your anxiety, turn it off.  The same goes for the news or social media accounts that make your heart beat faster.  Take a break and remember that it’s okay to not know everything that’s going on in the world at every moment.    

We will get through these tough times.  We will see the light again.  I promise.

l Michelle l

Finding Courage in the Fear

My husband and I have been on the Law Enforcement journey for several years now.  We are somewhere in between rookie and seasoned.  At the ripe old age of 32, in May of 2016, he looked at me and said, “I think I want to go to school for Criminal Justice.”  We owned a successful small business at the time, but somehow, this move made even more sense.  Naturally, neither one of us had any clue what we were about to get ourselves into.  He applied to college and was accepted.  As the summer wore on, we began to prepare mentally for some big changes.  And then on July 7, 2016, 12 Dallas Police Officers were wounded in an ambush-style shooting.  5 of those Officers were killed.  This event rocked the nation.  I remember looking at my husband and doubting his choice for the first time.  I asked him, “Are you sure you still want to do this?”  His answer?  “Now more than ever.”  

That was probably the moment I realized what we were about to embark on.  I tried to comfort myself with the fact that we live in a very safe part of the country, and he would never likely encounter a tragedy of that nature here.  By the fall, my husband was starting his classes and we were getting into a routine.  I was fully convinced that he was making the right decision and everything would be okay until our area was hit with an ambush-style killing of a Deputy.  Our communities mourned, and my husband’s resolve to follow his calling became even stronger.   I wish that I could say mine was just as strong, but I was once again questioning it all.  

I witnessed my husband work harder than I have ever seen him work.  He studied and persevered until he graduated college with honors and then completed the LE Academy with high accolades.  My pride became stronger than my fear for him, and acceptance of what was about to happen set in.  The day I pinned his badge on was honestly one of my favorite life-moments.  

The hateful rhetoric towards Law Enforcement certainly has not gotten better since we began this journey.  Since May of 2020, it has spiraled out of control.  Our nation has seen violent acts against our LEOS sky-rocket.  We have an all out war on police happening right now.  I have lost count of the number of LEOS who have been shot or injured in the line-of-duty since the beginning of 2022.  Upwards of 24 have been shot in the past few days across the nation.  We are all exhausted and battered right now.  We are mourning those lost and praying for those injured.  We, as LEOWS/significant others, are weary and wondering if society really deserves our LEOS.   We are tired of being silent and well-behaved.  We are seeing the battle being dropped on our doorsteps, but we are also poised to fight.  

I know that I am stronger now than I was 6 years ago.  I no longer feel timid and uncertain.  I also feel even more pride for my husband today than I did the day he started.  I actually worry less about him now than I did a couple of years ago.  Why?  Because I have accepted that this is the path that God chose for us.  I have learned a lot about faith and courage over the past few years.  The truth is, when God decides to call us home there is nothing we can do to change that.  We have to learn to accept that.  I know, should my husband pay the ultimate price while on-duty, it will be done doing what he loves and has been called to do.  My heart would shatter into a million pieces, but I would rather see him sacrifice for what’s right than die doing something that he hated.  Giving these fears and worries to God has given me peace when chaos is swirling all around.  I can’t stress to you enough why this is so important when walking through this life.  Understanding that God has a plan and has already fought the battles in front of us has given me the armor I need to let go of the hate and be the light in a dark place.  This does not mean that anger doesn’t creep in sometimes, after all, I am only human, but it does mean that I can deal with it in a more positive way.

I will leave you with this Bible verse: 

“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes.” Ephesians 6:10-11

l Michelle l

Weathering the Storms Together

I have been thinking a lot about marriage lately.  Not only my own, but those of others and how I can help make them stronger.  I’ve been observing interactions between spouses and how they impact one another.  Behavior within a marriage can be inspirational and help to build each other up or it can be destructive and tear each other down.  

I am fortunate to be part of a marriage full of inspiration and growth, but that doesn’t mean it is always completely without effort.  We have had moments through the years where one of us has needed extra encouragement and love from the other.  I will say that the majority of those moments are my poor husband having to give me that extra attention.  I’m definitely a lot more high-maintenance than he is.  He is generally the one who can take it all in stride and not let the world drag him down while I get wrapped up in current events and take every attack on Law Enforcement personally.  I always say that he’s my fiercest protector, but I think I may actually be his as well.  When I get upset about something in the news or on social media, my hubby gently reminds me that it will be okay and even though it stinks, it is not currently affecting our lives.  At first, I may get mad at him for not validating my sadness and outrage, but eventually I realize that he is right and God doesn’t want us to dwell on the darkness.  

This doesn’t mean there aren’t times that my LEO needs my encouragement.  This week was tough on him.  All of the current events were weighing him down.  He was sick.  Night-shift and winter have been affecting his mood as well.  We were talking one evening and he expressed how hopeless our world feels right now.  He’s been letting the crime surges and LE deaths get to him.  He is worried about the future our children will have.  I told him that I get it, but like he always tells me, “It’s going to be okay.”  I encouraged him to find the good and trust in God.  Mostly, I listened.  I let him vent and express his frustration.  I knew I couldn’t fix it, but I could encourage him the way he does for me so often.  And while I didn’t necessarily solve his problems, I could see that he felt a little lighter after I encouraged him.   

This has not always been something that I was very good at.  When my husband would get down or feel weak, I would struggle.  My big, strong man wasn’t supposed to have doubts or fears.  Admittedly, I still have moments of paralysis when this happens, but through the years, I have realized that it’s not always his job to be the strong one.  Sometimes, I have to suck it up and be the voice of reason.  Coming to terms with this has actually impacted me positively and I’ve been able to face adversity with a little more strength.

At the end of the day, it’s vital to remember that there will be stormy seasons in every relationship.  How you choose to weather the storms will make all the difference in the outcome.  There may be times in which you feel like you are giving 80% while your LEO is only giving 20%.  It's easy to become resentful and frustrated, but I would encourage you to step back and remember the times throughout your relationship that your LEO has given the 80%.  Reframing your perspective can change the outcome of the stormy times.       

l Michelle l      

What Is It Like to Love a Police Officer?

I understand that not everyone fully grasps what it means to be the wife of a Law Enforcement Officer.  How could they understand if they haven’t had both the pleasure and the pain of doing so?  It’s okay.  Let me try and explain.

When my husband gets ready for work, I watch him meticulously strap his body armor to his chest and back.  I love that armor.  I am grateful for that armor.  I also hate that armor.  That armor tells me that he puts himself in harm’s way every single time he steps out that door to protect and serve.  I also know that armor may not save his life.  I know that he has so many vulnerable spots for a knife to puncture or a bullet to penetrate.  

When my husband heads out that door, I hug him tight.  I won’t let him leave the house without exactly 6 kisses from me and 2 very tight, long hugs.  I always tell him, “I love you.  Be safe.  Have a good night.”  I would never let him leave without telling him those things.  And then after I shut and lock the door, I say a prayer that God will keep him and his fellow LEO’s safe.  

When my husband heads out that door, our 2 sweet little girls hug him tight.  They have also become conditioned to tell him to be safe.  They are 3 and 5.  They adore him.  They love him.  They need him.  He is their father first and a LEO second.

When my husband is on duty, I keep my phone on me at all times.  I bought an Apple Watch so that I can feel the vibration in my sleep should he need me.  I never go to sleep at night without talking to him on the phone.  If he is busy, I send him a text that once again reminds him that I love him and I need him to be safe.

We have had the conversation about who will notify me in the event that he is severely injured or even killed while on duty.  I go to bed every night making sure all my ducks are in a row in case I get that knock on the door in the middle of the night and I need to get to the hospital quickly.  

The badge that my husband wears gives me a pride like I have never felt before.  He was called by God to do this job.  I know this because I was called by God to be his wife and let him do this job.  God hand-picked this man for me.  He is my heart and soul.  The other half of my heart wears this badge.  He is good and decent and has a degree of integrity that amazes me. 

The badge that my husband wears puts a target on his back every single day.  And for that I also loathe it.  But to loathe it also forces me to question God’s judgement and plan.  I refuse to do that so I push those feelings aside and allow peace in my heart.  

That badge is something our daughters are so proud of.  They love to tell people that their daddy is a police officer.  They love to show their friends his badge.  Because his profession is currently one of the most vilified, we have had to have some extremely hard discussions with them.  We have had to tell them that they shouldn’t tell anyone that he is a police officer. 

When my husband has time off we spend every second together as a family.  We almost hate to spend time with others because that would mean focusing on people other than each other.  When his days off are over, I worry and wonder if we were intentional enough.  Did we love hard enough?  Did we appreciate each other enough?  If this goodbye is our last goodbye, will it feel like enough?  The answer is no.  It will never feel like enough.

Having a spouse in law enforcement means losing touch with friends who aren’t.  It’s not because we don’t care about them or because we stop loving them.  It’s because our perspective on the world changes.  Our schedules don’t align.  Our sense of humor becomes a little bit darker.  But it also means that we gain a whole new group of friends.  No, we gain a new family.  We spend time with people who understand the rigors of the job.  They understand the toll it takes on a family.  They help us laugh in times that feel dark and they listen when we just need to get it out.  They also all care deeply about their communities and their fellow humans.  They serve because they value human life and want to make it better.  I now have sisters all over the world.  Sisters I may have never met in person, but they are there to listen when I need them the most.   

For every negative that this job has brought to our lives there is also a positive.  Sometimes it’s so very hard to see it, but it’s there.  In times of darkness, such as these past few weeks, I may shed tears.  I may feel anger and rage and I hate that because that’s not who I am.  I lose faith in society and I question whether or not the human race is worthy of the risk my husband takes to protect it.  And then, God sends me a reminder.  A reminder that the human race is still worthy.  That the innocent lambs need sheepdogs to watch over them.  The smile of a stranger or the success story of a drug addict that my husband lifted up in his darkest times. 

It’s not easy for those who don’t love a LEO to understand all of these things.  And if I’m being honest with myself, they shouldn’t have to, but I’m always happy to explain it in the hopes that I can make even one person appreciate what my husband does a little more.

l Michelle l

Blue Blood

My LEO and I recently returned from a warm vacation in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.  We’ve been there several times over the years, but during this trip, we decided to do something new and traveled to the small town of Sayulita.  Known as a hippy town, Sayulita is a fishing community, full of surfers, shops, and wonderful food.  We spent the day shopping and walking the beautiful beaches.  

Before catching a taxi back to our resort, we decided to stop at a small outdoor restaurant for margaritas and tacos...I mean…when in Rome!  We were just chatting, enjoying the breeze, when a man who was sitting with his family at the next table over asked as he pointed to my Thin Blue Line hat, “Excuse me, is there an L.E. in your family?”  After my tequila-filled brain figured out what an “L.E.” was, that’s all it took for an instant 90 minute conversation between trusted blue family…strangers that we had never in our lives laid eyes on. 

My husband and this newly retired LEO exchanged an easy conversation about what retirement life was like, concerns about the current state of the world for law enforcement, and what paths our children were taking in their lives. When it was time for us to leave, I congratulated his wife on making it through to the other side, wished them well, and we were on our way.   

I’ve thought about this simple encounter a lot lately.  I’m fairly certain we will never see these people again in our lifetime.  We didn’t even exchange names with them.  But, what completely dumbfounds me is the instant bond we can share with other LEOs…even when hundreds of miles away from our own homes…in an entirely different country.  

If your LEO is anything like mine (and from what I read here…many of them are soooooooooo much alike), the people he trusts in life is very few.   The truth is hard to come by in their world, which can make officers cynical and constantly guarded.  It’s truly amazing to me that this complete stranger felt like an old, trusted friend in a matter of minutes. 

It is definitely one of the perks that comes with law enforcement that people don't understand.  Having a blue family of strangers…who always have your back.  Enjoy that retired life, Alabama!  It was lovely to meet you.

l Sandee l 

Brave Enough

Sending my Deputy off to work each night is not without worry.  The job he does comes with a whole list of hazards.  Many of these hazards are not the ones the average civilian even thinks about.  When people think about the dangers of law enforcement, they tend to think about officer involved shootings or sadly, the ambush style murders that are making the headlines today.  While I do think of these, they are not my biggest worries.  There are much less sinister hazards that send me into a panic if I allow them to creep into my mind.

The fears that occasionally keep me up at night are as follows (in no particular order):

• Traffic accidents

• Traffic accidents at high speeds

• Being struck by a vehicle on the side of the highway while out with a motorist

• Being stuck by a dirty needle while searching a person or vehicle

• Unknowingly encountering Fentanyl and having no one there to administer Narcan

I know that this list is not likely to make you feel better, but I am sharing it to let you know that you are not alone in worrying about your LEO.  We all have fears, but we also must face them.  We can’t let our fear and worry win by stealing our joy.  We must remember that, statistically speaking, our LEO will return home to us after each shift.  Our LEOS have been trained extensively on how to deal with the situations that often bring us anxiety.  I have found comfort in the phrase, “Trust his training.”  I know that my LEO takes his job seriously and is always taking time to learn more about officer safety.  I am certain that yours does the same.  

When the worry starts to creep in and take over, find an activity that will help calm your mind.  Remind yourself that the odds are in your favor that your LEO will return home to you.  Turn off the news.  Scroll past the accounts that share more tragedies than triumphs.  I know that I often get mired down with EOW announcements because I follow so many accounts that share that information.  My husband probably knows less about what is going on in the LEO world than I do, and he’s more mentally grounded because of it.  

Do what brings you peace rather than fear.  Some of the best advice I can give is to talk to God.  He will listen.  He will wrap you in his arms and give you peace.  Give it all to God and remember this Bible verse: “When I am afraid, I will trust in You.”  Psalms 56:3

Go easy on yourself.  None of us have it all together and sometimes it’s easy to get overwhelmed with fear and worry, especially when life itself sometimes feels like a bit much with the crazy schedules of LEOS.  Never be afraid to reach out to others who understand what you are feeling.  I’m also more than happy to listen if you need a shoulder to cry on.  

Your fears are very valid, but they should never be allowed to change the course of your happiness.  Enjoy your life and embrace the many amazing parts of LEO life.  It comes with so many blessings.  I’d love to hear which blessings are your favorite parts of this life.

l Michelle l