Marriage and relationships are hard. Beautifully and chaotically hard. They are not supposed to be easy. It requires consistent work and cultivation to make it grow. People don’t often believe me when I tell them that my husband and I can count the number of arguments we’ve had on one hand. We are insanely compatible and have an incredibly easy relationship, however, it still requires effort to keep it that way.
My husband hasn’t always been in LE. I had no idea that I fell in love with a future Deputy. Honestly, neither did he. This career change came several years into our relationship. I have been his biggest cheerleader and advocate all the way through the process and I will always stand by his side. But this process has also brought about many changes in him. Most are positive, but, if I’m being completely honest, some aren't. Many of you are aware of the toll LE can take on our loved ones. Traumas, critical incidents, hypervigilance, night-shift, 12 hour shifts and OT can all have an impact on our LEO’s emotional and physical well-being. Add to that the war on cops and lack of community and political support and it all takes a toll. Oftentimes, our LEOS are completely unaware of the changes in themselves, but we see them. Sometimes all we can do is give them grace and understanding as they sort it out, but the important thing is to not give up on them.
I have learned over the past couple of years that it is my duty to try and understand what my husband goes through on a shift and how it impacts him mentally and physically. I know that I can’t always change it or fix it for him, but by educating myself on the rigors of the job, I can do better at extending him grace. I am not giving our LEOS a free-pass to be complete jerks and/or withdraw from their family responsibilities completely. I am simply offering you some tools to help cultivate your LE relationship.
I was listening to a podcast this afternoon that had some great insight into a LE relationship. I would recommend listening to The Squad Room ( https://www.thesquadroom.net/podcasts/) episode 137 featuring Victoria Newman. She is the founder of How2LoveOurCops.org and the author of several books, including, “A CHiP on My Shoulder - How to Love Your Cop with Attitude.” The host Garrett TeSlaa sat down and talked to Victoria about her and her husband’s LE journey and how they not only saved their own marriage, but are also on a mission to help countless others. In this interview, Garrett TeSlaa mentions that the spouse or significant other is instrumental in helping a LEO do his/her job effectively. He referred to us as the team manager. We are the ones who orchestrate everything at home. We help our LEOS manage the day-to-day home responsibilities, as well as help them with getting prepared for each shift. I found that to be very profound. Our support can be instrumental in helping our LEOS to do their job to the best of their abilities. And we are also their first line of defense when it comes to their mental health. We know them best and we can often detect the changes before they can. We may not be able to fix them, but we can educate ourselves and get armed with tools that can help.
The bottom line is that you should always be willing to work on your relationship. There may be times that you feel like you are doing 80% of the work, but I promise that there will come a day where your LEO returns the favor and puts forth more effort than you. Don’t be afraid to learn about your LEO’s job and the impacts of it. Read books, blogs and articles, listen to podcasts and talk with other LEOWS/significant others to gather as much info as possible. Assemble your support team and above all else, don’t ever forget to fight for your relationship.
-Michelle-