Having his six means being there however our LEO needs us to be, so let’s talk about trauma. Trauma is like the elephant in the room that no one, including your LEO, wants to talk about. Trauma is real and it varies for everyone. The key is accepting it and allowing oneself to deal with it. This is not something that everyone can do easily. In fact, I would guess (it’s only a guess because I am not a mental health care provider) that most people fall short when it comes to identifying the trauma that they have incurred.
I was thinking about this over the past week. My husband works a generally safe area, and the traumatic calls seem to be few and far between. But are they? What constitutes a trauma? I don’t know about you, but seeing a dead body of any sort would be a traumatic experience for me. Even a seemingly peaceful death of natural causes would likely be more than I could handle, but these are a normal occurrence for first responders. My husband once told me about a suicide call that he had to respond to. He told me about how a wife found her husband after he shot himself. I had to choke back tears as I put myself into her shoes. That was a trauma for me, and I wasn’t the one who had to see the body, interview the family and console a grieving wife. My husband seemed completely unfazed by it. But was he really?
Our LEOS do a great job of compartmentalizing events and situations that most people would find traumatic, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect them emotionally. Pushing normal reactions and feelings aside in order to do their job can certainly be detrimental to their mental health. But how do we as wives/significant others help?
I give my husband space to sort through his feelings on his own, but I gently remind him that I’m ready and willing to listen if he needs to talk. I pay very close attention to his moods and reactions to normal everyday events. Sometimes, if I notice that he is short-tempered or perhaps gets after the kids for seemingly minor offenses, I will pull him aside and let him know that I can see he is stressed. I will remind him that he’s had some tough calls and it’s okay to take time to process them. I tell him that he doesn’t have to be superman and it’s completely okay to feel. I never attack him or talk down to him. I simply open the door to communication.
Again, I’m not a mental-health specialist, just a wife who is deeply invested in her marriage. I am doing my best to learn what I can about how to help my husband navigate this career and ensure that he is healthy, both physically and mentally, along the way. Our LEOS will inevitably be faced with traumas of all sizes throughout their careers, and while we can’t always fix it for them, we can offer them the support they need to get the help they deserve. Many departments offer resources for LEOS to get mental health help. Do yourself a favor and learn about them. Find out what’s available to both your LEO as well as you. Secondary trauma is a very real thing, and you may someday find yourself needing some outside help as well. We can’t help our LEOS if we aren’t healthy ourselves.
I want to hear from you! How do you help your husband/significant other prioritize mental health? What do you do to show your LEO you have his six when it comes to trauma? Drop a comment on social media to share what works for you and your LEO. It is so important to help each other navigate this life.
l Michelle l