I want to talk a little bit about re-framing your perspective and how that can help you cope with the chaos for LEO family life. I know first-hand there is nothing normal about being married to a LEO. The 12-hour shifts, overnights, long weekends, non-existent holidays, and endless OT can take a toll. Factor in the worry that many of us feel when our LEO is on-duty and it can be a recipe for disaster for our own mental health. Anger and resentment can creep in very easily and take us by surprise. I know. I’ve been there.
My husband and I have what I consider to be a fairy tale kind of love. I have known since the day we met that God handpicked this man for me. I would be content spending every single second with him, and if we were the last two people left on Earth, that would be enough for both of us. You can imagine my surprise when I started feeling resentment and anger towards him about three years into this career. I couldn’t figure out how I could ever feel that way towards a man who I have always considered the hero of my story. I had to take a step back and figure out what was going on in my heart and mind. Who was I mad at? Why was I mad? The truth is, I wasn’t mad at my LEO, I was mad at his career and the changes it made in him and our family.
I knew that I couldn’t feel angry any longer so I started looking for ways to change my heart. I poured myself into books, podcasts, and all the resources I could find that explained the changes in my husband, as well as my frustrations. And boy did I learn. I learned that my husband is not alone. Between the schedule he works, the people he deals with and the hyper vigilance that his job requires, he has changed, but so has everyone else in his field. I also learned that I am not alone in any sense of the word. I found LEO spouses and significant others who were also in my shoes. A lot of them.
After learning that, I felt like I began to understand the “why’s”. Once I learned why my husband and I had the feelings we did, I could begin to make changes. I like to refer to this as “reframing my perspective”. I started to look at things differently. What does that mean? Here are a couple of examples:
My husband would often sleep all day on his first day off (naturally as he works 6pm to 6am). He would then wake up for dinner and spend some time with us as a family only to fall back asleep on the couch shortly after. That left me to deal with the kids' bedtime routine alone, yet again. I would get frustrated and angry because I felt like a solo parent already after several nights of my husband working and was looking forward to a bit of a reprieve. After doing my homework and better understanding what my husband is going through for 18-24 hours after coming off of a shift, I found myself giving more grace. I also was more easily able to convey my feelings to him and he was then able to see things from my point of view. He started making a more conscious effort to adjust his sleeping schedule to be more supportive to me.
I have always been a very social person. I love to go to parties and public events. My husband has always been a bit more introverted, but would generally oblige me and participate in social events with me. After he started his career in law enforcement, he became even more introverted. I struggled to get him to go anywhere with the occasional exception of a fellow LE family’s home. He began to avoid public places like they were the plague. I would get upset when he wouldn’t want to participate in social events. I longed for that social interaction, but he found it exhausting. I had a very difficult time grasping why he had become so anti-social. After learning more about the psychology of the job, it started to make more sense. It allowed me to open up a dialogue with my LEO about how I understood what was going on in his mind. I could better articulate my frustrations and he was more receptive to my needs. We have found ways to balance both of our needs.
I can’t stress enough how important it is for us as spouses/partners to do our homework. Our LEOS can’t simply shut off the job. They have that protector mindset turned on at all times. Can you imagine how your LEO would feel if he were to let his guard down off-duty and a threat occurred and he wasn’t able to protect the people around him, especially the ones he loves? He would not likely be able to live with himself. That is why your LEO is guarded and on high-alert when you are out in public together. Remembering things like this will make it easier for you to reframe your perspective.
I will add that none of what I have shared here gives your LEO a pass to be a jerk to you in a demeaning or toxic way. Mental abuse and gas-lighting is never okay and I would never condone behavior like that. An occasional outburst or disagreement is one thing, but anger or threatening behavior on a regular basis is unfair to you. If that is occurring I would encourage you to seek professional help for both you and your spouse.
At the end of the day, a successful relationship is one where you are both equally invested. Putting some effort into understanding what makes the other who they are can go a long way toward a grace-filled life.
l Michelle l