Most days I feel like I have it together in terms of being strong and not feeling fearful when I send my husband off to work. But some days I feel smothered with fear and anxiety. Through the years I have convinced myself that, statistically speaking, my husband will come home after every shift unscathed. And then I read of another LEO who was injured or killed tragically in the line-of-duty and my confidence in this statistic gets shaken. I can’t help but think about the fact that this particular LEO had the same statistics in his or her corner. That LEO’s loved ones sent him or her off to work, like any other day, assuming that the end of the shift would come normally like all of the shifts before it did. In the blink of an eye, everything changed for that LEO and his or her loved ones.
Last night, as I was lying in bed, I felt this overwhelming sense of fear and anxiety creep in. I checked my husband’s location and decided, for some insane reason, that it would be a good idea to turn on the scanner app on my phone. I felt the need to hear my husband’s voice and figured if I just heard him say he was 10-2 (everything is okay) or 10-8 (cleared from a call and ready for service) I could calm down. I was wrong. It didn’t help. I turned it on in the middle of a call so I had no idea what the first part sounded like. All I knew is that dispatch was telling him that whomever he had stopped was known for resisting arrest. I could not decipher the context of the call in the least. I heard my husband calmly call for another squad to head his way. My mind began racing and started playing out all kinds of worst-case scenarios. Moments later, I heard the squad he had called to assist call out his own 10-80 (chase in-progress). My heart began to race faster and I started to pray for both my husband and the other LEOS involved in this chase. I worried that my husband was alone on a call with a potentially violent suspect and I worried that the chase currently occurring would have a tragic ending.
At that moment, I thought about all the people who love the LEOS my husband works with. I thought about their wives and girlfriends. I thought about their children and parents. I thought about their siblings and friends. That’s the crazy thing about this LEO family. Not only have I met many of the LEOS my husband works with, I have also met their families. I have even spent time with some of their moms and dads. I know that these LEOS are all so deeply loved and cherished. I know that their hearts are huge when it comes to their families.
After I prayed for everyone’s safety, I listened intently to the scanner for a resolution to the chase. Fortunately, it wasn’t very long before I heard the reassuring words, “one in custody.” I knew everyone involved in that situation were going home safe. My thoughts turned back to my husband, and I held my breath until I heard him tell dispatch he was 10-8. I knew he was safe for the time being, and I finally felt like I could go to sleep.
The weight on my heart was still heavy last night, but I allowed myself to sleep anyway, knowing that no matter what happened, I would not be able to change it. The weight on the collective hearts of all LEO families is very heavy right now. It’s tough to shake the feeling that our LEOS are walking targets. It feels like no one has any remorse for harm that they cause to others these days. It’s okay to feel fears and worries, but it’s not okay to let it overwhelm us to the point that we lose our joy. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us, regardless of the job we do, so being intentional with the time we are given is so important.
My advice to all the LEO wives and significant others would be to allow yourself to feel the fear and worry if you need to. Cry if you need to. Get angry if you need to, but do not let those feelings take over your life and consume your hearts. We are human and we all feel big feelings sometimes, but it’s how we process them that matters. I would also suggest that you DO NOT listen to the scanner when your LEO is on-duty. I know better. I know it seldom offers me peace, yet I do it anyway. If it heightens your anxiety, turn it off. The same goes for the news or social media accounts that make your heart beat faster. Take a break and remember that it’s okay to not know everything that’s going on in the world at every moment.
We will get through these tough times. We will see the light again. I promise.
l Michelle l