Together For Change

Sometimes WE can make a change…

I have recently attended a few “final walk outs” for the retirement of Police Officers. I attend the ones we are personally closer with. This is considered to be their final walk down the ramp, leaving the Department as a Police Officer for the last time. I attended my first one at a neighboring Department for our close friend who retired as a Sergeant, Canine Instructor. It was such a great experience and such a nice send off for him and his canine partner, with his family standing at the end of the ramp. Everyone clapped, shook hands and of course congratulated him after giving 30 years of his life to his Department, and most importantly in the Canine Unit. You could also hear the radio transmission from the other Police Officers who were working the road and could not be there wishing him luck and congratulating him. In my opinion, it is a small amount of the recognition they truly deserve and I was happy to be a part of it.

Within a week of attending this send off, another one of our friends was working his last day. I texted his wife that morning asking what time his “final walk out” was. To which she replied, “Oh, our Department doesn’t do those, he actually tried to set something up years ago, but he got shut down.”  After talking with her I said well there is no reason why you cannot get your family there, close friends, and anyone else who would like to be there for his final walk down the ramp. She set the time, invited everyone, and the Department heads were made aware and told they were more than welcome to attend. It was so nice to see everyone come together for him, and again be a part of a wonderful - all of ten minute - event for someone who has given themselves and risked their lives for many years. 

A week later our Department had a Canine who was retiring, and my husband contacted the handler’s wife and asked if she would like to invite her family and friends for their Canine’s final walk out. Again, something small and lasted all of ten minutes. But you could tell it meant the world to them, especially since this would be the family’s last Canine. 

I think sometimes we are just so used to standing behind our Police Officers and too often being silenced and knowing in our heart something is not being handled properly. In a situation like this, we were not breaking any policies, but simply providing a proper send off to deserving men, women, and canine partners.

l Kristen l

Being the Backbone is Not Easy

I read this and can’t help but think of the song from Mercy Me, “They say sometimes you win some, sometimes you lose some, and right now I’m losing bad....”

This past year has brought so much pain and so much hurt to everyone around the world. I know with my family alone it has seemed like we can’t keep our head above water most days. As wives of Police Officers, we have taken the brunt of all the pain and all the hurt because not only are we hurting for ourselves we are hurting for our Officers too! My husband has been a Deputy Sheriff for the past 15 years and in those 15 years, he has never had as many close calls as he has had in the past few months. Waking up to those messages of, “I’m ok, if you are listening to the scanner... foot chase.. rocks thrown...” They hit a little differently now.

Through all of this though, we are expected to remain strong and be the backbone, but sometimes that’s hard and sometimes that seems like an unrealistic request of us. I’m here to tell you it’s ok to cry, it’s ok to need a moment to just scream at the top of your lungs. If we aren’t strong, how can they be strong and face the evil that they are asked to face? I know it’s hard, believe me I do, 3 kids and one with a disability that requires countless doctor’s visits, therapy, surgery, and virtual learning. Then you throw in day shift/night shift rotations every three months. Sometimes we just need that escape and we just need to scream and cry and dust ourselves off and remember it’s okay to do that.

We can’t hold it all in and let it consume us and take control. Our families need us, our Officers need us, and we need each other! The only way we will overcome is to be stronger than the evil that faces us. To be stronger, sometimes we just need a good cry! I speak from experience because learning to do this myself was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I know I can’t be the only one that has issues with letting go and letting my emotions out. After my dad passed away I started to compartmentalize things instead of dealing with them.

My mom would tell me all the time “Kandy, you just need to cry... you need to deal with it...” I went for so long and never did. A few years down the road, I almost died having my third child. I was scared to go to sleep at night with fear I wouldn’t wake up. Then one day it finally took its toll and I couldn’t take it anymore, I was angry, sad, and hurting. My husband and my kids were suffering because I was suffering, I had become depressed and didn’t want to admit it. Then the baby was diagnosed with medical issues, on top of the world seeming to fall apart and blaming it all on our Officers.

I had finally reached my limit, my kids were starting to act out, my husband and I were starting to have issues. I knew if something didn’t change we weren’t going to make it and I finally just broke down sitting in my car. I cried, and I mean ugly cried. I screamed and got it all out! I told my husband what I had been fighting and dealing with, and most importantly I gave it to God. Letting it all go and getting it all out was the best thing I could have done. Don’t let things build up until you lose everything; find a fellow wife to talk to, we are here! No one understands the complicated life and all the stress that comes with it like we do!

Remember we are their back bone and their strength when they are staring evil in the face, the thing that keeps them going is thinking of us. Sometimes I feel like we don’t understand the importance of our role in them doing their jobs. I remember one night right after our last child was born, I heard something and woke up to him standing in the living room, holding her and bawling his eyes out. He looked at me and said, “I’m sorry, I woke her up but I just had a call with a baby that died and needed to see her.” I couldn’t get mad at the fact I had just put her to bed and knew she wasn’t going to go right back to sleep, or get mad because he was going to just go and leave me to sit up the rest of the night with her. After he left, I sat on the couch, held her close, and also cried myself thinking about how upset he was and knew he had to wipe and tuck it away to go back and finish his shift. We are their safe place and their refuge not just anyone can withstand this life. Remember you can do this, and don’t ever be afraid to reach out to someone, we are here for you!

l Kandace l

But Here I Am

I had one major rule in life growing up: Do not date or marry a Police Officer.

Yup. You read that right. But it isn’t why you are probably thinking.

Growing up my dad was a Police Officer, and was one for 31 years. He knew all of the ins and outs of what it meant to be a Police Officer and the baggage it came with. He saw all the hard times my mom went through and all the things he missed for my sister and I. Of course I noticed my dad wasn’t around as much as the other dads, but it was my normal, I was used to it. And my mom, well she was strong. She never let us see how hard it actually was on her. But they both knew how difficult this life was, and therefore my sister and I had one major rule: we could not date or marry a Police Officer. Well sorry mom and dad, but I always was the rule breaker growing up. 

Four years ago I met my best friend, and two years ago he became my better half, my soulmate. And yes, he is a Police Officer. My dad was surprisingly okay with it (mostly because he already loved him!) but he did remind me of his rule…

It was not until about month six or seven when I truly realized why I had that rule.

Growing up I remember only seeing my dad maybe two to three times a week. I had my mom and it was my normal, but my dad was my best friend. I knew how much not seeing him killed me growing up. But here I am. My Officer only has three days a week off; and that’s if we are lucky. Sometimes it is two or one. And just like my dad growing up – it kills me. But instead of pouting about it, I make sure to make those days off count. Make them positive. Make them memorable. Make them worth the days without him.

Holidays. How could I have forgotten about holidays growing up? Thanksgiving? Dad’s leaving early or not coming. Christmas? While other kids opened their presents at 9 AM, we’re still waiting for dad to get off. Birthdays? Forget about it. But here I am. I have yet to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, or half of the “small holidays” with my Police Officer on the actual day. But I have learned that the day you celebrate the holiday does not matter. For us, Thanksgiving has been on Sunday. Christmas has been the 27th. Birthday dinners happen the next day he’s off. Be patient. 

Coming home from school growing up was always like a game. See, my dad worked midnights most of my life, so he was asleep when I was awake and vise versa. So when we came home from school, you better have tip-toed and not made a single sound. I HATED it. But here I am. I am a teacher now and my Police Officer goes to work currently from 2pm-12am; which means our schedules do not match up at all. I wake up every morning, get dressed with a flash light, and pray I don’t make a sound in the kitchen that is too loud. But I do it because I care. I want to make sure he gets that sleep to make sure he is well rested to be the best he can be that next shift. I’ll find time at night to make all the noise I can.

I could go on and on, but the bottom line is I knew deep down what I was getting myself into. I knew what this was going to be like, and I knew it was going to come with difficult situations. I know why my dad made that rule. But here I am. 

I am not yet an official Police Wife, but I am a Police Girlfriend and I know someday I will become a Police Wife. I know this life will be hard and I know there will be times I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it. However, I know I’m not alone and I know we’ll work through it all. Together we are a family of LEOWs and we will get through it. It is not always easy, but here WE are.

l Taylor l

Hyper Vigilance and Self-Care

I remember reading something about fatigue in our spouses, in a book I read last year. It said something about LEO and hyper vigilance so I went back and re-read the chapter.

I must admit that I have no experience with Jéan being withdrawn after work or continuously disengaged on his days off. I’ve seen several posts online asking if other wives have encountered these behaviors or characteristics in their LEO as well. I’m going to share with you what the chapter says with hope that someone will be better able to understand what their spouse is going through.

“Frustration can boil over when we see him sitting in his chair, staring at his phone or the television in what seems like a weekly off-day pattern. Sometimes he has a hard time concentrating and questions of any caliber can be difficult for him to process. There is a lack of focus; they seem to be listening, but they are not “hearing” or engaging in the conversation. They can be too tired to do anything productive. Much of this is a symptom of continual hyper vigilance and the roller coaster hormonal biological effects. The long-lasting adrenaline surges, the quickly falling depletion of those hormones, and the leveling back to normal is a daily cycle that if not recognized can result in irrevocable relationship damage.”
A Police Wife Bible Study by Melissa Humes, Fatigue, pg 34

Now that we are armed with this information, we are now tasked with recognizing this behavior. And decide, how are we either going to normalize or help normalize the hyper vigilant cycle in our spouses. It’ll take the doing of both us and our spouses to ensure a smooth transition from the heightened state of awareness to being relaxed and present at home. Make plans and stick to it even if it means giving up that extra job. Develop an exercise routine throughout the week and stick to it. Prioritize family and never compromise. Sure work will sometimes take precedence like a last minute meeting or court date or call out. Those few occurrences are ok. Develop a home routine together and stick to it.

There’s no reason why as a team we can’t get through this, break it, or prevent it. Knowledge is key.

l Kerry-Ann l

No Single Riders Allowed

A younger friend recently asked me if I thought she could be a LEOW.  My first reaction was, “Sure, you can.”  As I started realistically evaluating the last 24 years, I stood by my “sure you can,” but realized it comes with a decision.  The decision you must make is between the hard of loving a police officer and living the lifestyle that accompanies it, and the hard of living a life without that officer.  As in all areas of life, you have to pick your hard.  One of the hardest parts of this life is the loneliness and all the things that you need to do alone.  One of the best things about this life is that you’re never alone.  Police wives don’t need to meet you to be behind you, to stand with you and to cheer you on.  Truth is, we don’t even have to live near you. We are all in this life together and you’ll be hard pressed to find a force of women anywhere else as motivated to support one another. 

Unlike most of our officers, we didn’t grow up dreaming of this life.  It wasn’t the happily ever after we imagined in our seven-year-old wedding fantasies.  Maybe you even promised your dad (like I did) that you’d never marry a Police Officer (in hopes of sparing him, and yourself, from this life.)  The truth is this life is as much a calling for you as it is for our Officers.  Only the select few are strong, yet soft, enough to be the helpmate of those who hold the thin blue line.  

While you were created by our Father to be the one standing beside him, you were never meant to do it alone.  This life is like the ride at the amusement park with the sign “no single riders allowed.”  So, find yourself a partner, someone who is ahead of you in the journey and is doing it well.  Look for someone who is accomplishing the goals you have for yourself, your relationship, and your family.  Build an intentional relationship with her.  Do all the fun things, but also, walk out this calling with her.  When the news is shouting too loudly, she will be your support and your voice of reason.  She will be the one telling you to turn it off.  When society is making a target of the ones we love, she is the safe place to share your fears and your worries.  She understands, she’s been there before and she’s walking it out now.  She is the place you can say the things we are too politically correct to say out loud to anyone else.  When it’s an hour past shift change and your officer isn’t home yet and is not answering the phone, she will be the one who does.  She will remind you that he probably left the phone in his car or is just swapping stories with the squad after shift; she will speak reality into the irrational thoughts racing through your mind.  When it’s a holiday and he’s working, she will be the one to celebrate with you.  When those inevitable things have happened and he can’t (or won’t) talk about it, she’ll be the one to go over it (a million times) with you.  When it’s that day you can’t get the real possibilities of what he does and is willing to do out of your mind, she’s the one to pray with you, to remind you of his calling, to point out his training and refocus your thoughts on the one who has written all of his days.  When he gets that promotion, she’ll be the first one to call you.  When you can’t sit on the couch one more Friday night alone, she’ll have the plans that keep you both laughing.  When it’s been the day that is too much for words, she will be the comforting silence.

As you walk this life out and begin to get your feet under you, look back and find someone just getting to the front of the line, reach out and ride through this journey with her.  

l Kaycie W. l

The Importance of Having Fun In Your Marriage

During my battle with Covid, I decided that I was going to have fun with it. My experience has been no walk in the park. Migraines, sore throat, fatigue, weakness, loss of appetite and lack of energy, I could go on but you get the picture. My husband was genuinely concerned about me to the point of forgetting safe protocol measures. He kept repeating til death do us part. I wondered if I should remind him that right now I have no insurance policy, so it would be in his best interest I don’t die. I didn’t remind him, lol. Yes, I’m going to get that taken care of soon. 

He and I love laughing with each other and at each other. We recognize how short life is, how we need to make the best of the time we have together. How important it is to make memories. We’ve come a long way in learning to lighten up. I’m so happy we did. It helps a lot being sick and not being depressed as well. Not being able to touch really sucks, but referring to him as the warden and seeing the look on his face is oh so priceless. 

I encourage you to be the light, the positive, the smile in a tough or sad time. Keeping in mind there is an appropriate time for everything.  Sometimes, we are just the relaxed energy our LEO needs after being so serious at work. Our decision to laugh more and be relaxed when around each other has done things for our marriage and family we didn’t anticipate. The way we argue or disagree with each other has changed for the better. We are able to apologize sincerely to each other. Arguments aren’t stretched beyond a few hours, if that long; We don’t hit below the belt and yelling is a thing of the past. Our teenage daughter’s attitude has changed as well. She understands the meaning of “no”. The negative attitude is gone. She’s always telling her friends about her mom and dad. 

Having fun is a necessary part of a healthy marriage and relationship. 

l Kerry-Ann l

Let Them Be Brave

Way back in the day…when I was a young, proud, LEOW, I would attempt to iron my husband’s uniforms.  I was a stay-at-home mom, pinching pennies, and going to the dry cleaners was certainly not in the budget. Of all household chores, I don’t know why, but I hate ironing the most.  Give me a vacuum or even a toilet to scrub…but ironing?  I had better things to do with my time, like making sure my boys weren’t eating bugs or feeding dirt clods to the dog.  And can we talk about those dreaded double creases?  I just never seemed to get them right. 

Fast forward to today where my youngest son will soon be graduating from the Police Academy.  He has chosen to follow in his father’s footsteps and is employed by the very same Police Department.  After almost 6 grueling months, and a most recent difficult week of training, he and the rest of the Academy Cadets have been promoted to Police Officer Recruits.  He is three weeks away from a badge. Three weeks away from field training. Three weeks away from patrolling the streets. 

The newly promoted recruits received their official patrol uniforms; crisp and a gorgeous dark blue, patches and all.  I was asked if I could help get them ready.  I really didn’t think much of it at all, just that I hate ironing, but whatever. No biggie….or so I thought. 

I pressed the pants first and it wasn’t too bad!  They were already creased, thank goodness, so even I didn’t mess them up.  Relieved, I grabbed a hanger, admired my work, and turned to the shirts. I can’t express in words the surreal feeling that suddenly overwhelmed me...the patches…the same dark blue uniform shirts I’ve seen in this house for 20 years…it completely caught me off guard.   

What made this kid want to be a cop?  In this day and age?  With all that 2020 was?  The riots? The protests?  The threats of defunding and flat-out hatred?  All of it.  Why?   

I felt myself tearing up. Ok…let's be honest...I completely broke down and bawled my eyes out.  All of the anxiety that I’ve been doing my best to ignore and have been pushing aside for months over my son choosing this path bubbled up and exploded.  I’m sure I looked like a crazy person trying to manage a simple household task.  

Instead of hating this dreaded chore, I suddenly felt extremely privileged and grateful to be able to help prepare my son for another day of training.  I began praying.  I wondered if it was weird to pray over clothing, but I prayed over every inch of those uniforms.  I thanked God for my son and begged for His protection to be over him always.  I was gently reminded that this is who Colton is supposed to be.  The desire to pursue this career has always been a part of him, just as it is in his dad, and it is quite simply completely out of my control. 

This is new territory for me.  As much LEO life experience as I think I have being married to a police officer for almost 30 years now…it is a completely different experience having your child do it.  And I know…he’s not a child…he’s a grown man…but at times I can’t help but see this little blond-headed, blue-eyed boy, in the living room pretending to be a “SWAT Guy” like Daddy. 

Philippians 4:6 is definitely a scripture that I am taking to heart these days. “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”  I often let my anxiety get the best of me.  It’s easy to do these days.  One glance at the morning news and I’m done for. 

I may have to scribble this verse on every wall in my house, but I am going to try my best to not just keep my anxiety in check…or put on a happy face and smush it deep down in my soul…I’m going to run to my God and pray…whether I happen to be ironing a uniform...or scrubbing a toilet.

l Sandee l

We Are Built LEOW Tough

Have you ever wondered am I really cut out for this? Or thought to yourself that this is not what I signed up for. Yeah, me too. On the tough days I sometimes question my life choices. Lol. Listen there is something to be said about an Law Enforcement Officer’s Wife. She is fearless, she is bold, she is strong, she is compassionate, she is passionate, she is relentless. She’s not one to underestimate, she will surprise you every single time. And it takes a whole lot to break her.

LEOWs are built tough. We have to be. We have to be for our spouses, our kids and community. We are who they turn to when tough things happen on the job, when great things happen, silly things happen, and what the heck things. We are wives, best friends, ride or dies, therapists. We are compassionate and kick butt tough when necessary.

Our kids follow our lead when it comes to our LEOs. If we walk around in fear for their lives then our little ones will pick up on it and they too will be fearful. Instead we show no fear in front of others. We spill the positives to our kids. We tell them daddy is helping others and getting the bad guys off the street. We make him out to be the hero that he is. We make sacrifices only a few could ever understand. We give up our nightly snuggles for the safety of the community. We give up the pleasure of accompaniment to many invites or we give up the invites all together. We ignore steers and conveniently become deaf to stupid comments. We know some begin to think he “left” after seeing us out and about for the hundredth time with the kids and no him in tote.

We walk with our heads held high feeling proud, invincible, undefeatable. Why? Because we are LEOW and we are built tough. We cry when no one is looking, often times in the shower. We cry out to God when no one is listening because only He has the real ability to protect, comfort and strengthen us. Actually, He built us LEOW tough!

l Kerry-Ann l

You Deserve More

Unpopular opinion. 

Your spouse’s career in law enforcement is not an excuse for them to treat you any less than you deserve.

Read that again.

My husband has been in law enforcement for 15 years. To him, it is a job. His personal life isn’t consumed with guns, and thin blue lines, and police lingo. His days don’t revolve around the fact that he is a police officer. Likewise, I am a police wife, by default, but that also does not consume my personal life. It is a piece of my story; not my entire being.

I should note that my entire adult life has been in law enforcement; as a crime scene investigator and, currently, in the private sector.  I have played an active, albeit behind-the-scenes, role in both local and national police wives’ organizations.  I have joined the social media groups, and I have read a lot of the “police wife life” stories.  It’s hard to deny that I have seeing a common theme.  Too often, a spouse of someone in law enforcement is perpetually giving that person excuses for bad behavior due to their job. And this is just something I cannot get behind.

Is the life of a law enforcement officer difficult?  Sure. It absolutely can be.
Is it the type of career that is for every personality type?  Nope. Sure isn’t. 
Do people get deep into a career and allow the job to change them?  Yes. More than we’d like to admit.
Does that mean they get to go home and choose not to participate in family activities, or ignore their spouse and children?  No. Not the slightest.

A close friend recently went through a divorce and her [ex] husband is a police officer.  The more I saw what was happening within their family and relationship, the more I questioned why she didn’t stand up for herself; why she didn’t expect more.  For a long time, he blamed his distant personality, unwavering desire to be gone and doing things with his friends, and his lack of interest in their marriage and family life, on his job, and more specifically, PTSD.  The problem with that?  He works for a small suburban police department which, quite frankly, rarely sees a violent call. I may be speaking out of turn when I say that, but, both my husband and I have worked for a very large metropolitan police department. And I certainly do not discredit the affects of PTSD on someone. But the PTSD excuse in this case? Was simply that. An excuse for sympathy so that he could get away with behavior that he knew was unacceptable.

When I was working in the field, it was rare for a shift to go by that I wasn’t dealing with another dead body.  My husband and I made conscious decisions. You know what we didn’t do?  We didn’t go home and ignore one another.  We didn’t search for affection outside of our marriage. And we didn’t speak to each other like the other was insignificant to our life.

I ran home, at the end of each shift, to talk to my best friend. I ran home to security and someone that would tell me it was okay and that I would work through it. Was I okay all the time?  No. I wasn’t. And that’s okay. Even more, that’s normal. Together, we worked through things.

Being “not okay” is never an excuse to be perpetually rude or mean to those you should hold closest to you. 
Being “not okay” is never an excuse to search for affection or relationships beyond your marriage.
Being “not okay” is never an excuse to sit at home, refusing to participate in a relationship, and expecting your spouse to also be your parent.

A recent post on a police wife page asked about husband’s being “cold”. And one of the comments indicated “you can tell the wives that are with newbie LEOs”. My stomach sank.

This. Cannot. Be. Our. Mindset. Period.

To the wife of the “newbie LEO”, keep your spouse on their toes. Do not allow the job to change them such that it affects their personal life. Talk to them. Encourage them. Listen to them. When things start to change, call them out on it. When they start to treat you differently, acknowledge it. Hold them accountable. But whatever you do, do NOT excuse it away as “well…the job has changed them.”

There are a lot of difficult jobs in this world. It’s no secret that there is a lot of infidelity and divorce within law enforcement. But I can’t help but notice that many just accept it as it is, rather than choose to make it stop. 

Remember this: By signing up to be a law enforcement wife, you are not also signing away your right to have a happy and loving relationship. Do not accept any less than you give. Marriage is a partnership and your spouse should never choose to be more loyal to their work partner than their life partner.

A Fear I Never Knew Existed

The day I said “I do” to my LEO, I never imagined we would be here. As a LEO’s spouse, I thought my biggest fears were having a knock at my door or units show up at my work to tell me he had been seriously injured or even worse. The thought of him being involved in an officer-involved shooting that resulted in a fatality, NEVER crossed my mind. I had no idea how our lives would change that day.

 When I got that first two minute call and he told me he just had to kill a man but he was not injured, (I am almost ashamed to admit this) I took it almost like a grain of salt. Looking back at that moment, I was so oblivious to what I was just told. Maybe it was just the sheer relief that my LEO was coming home at the end of the day? But within hours of that call, I realized this was so much more than I could have ever prepared for. We started to receive gang threats. Our address, my job, my stepdaughter’s school, and even our family members' names were all being posted. I never imagined I would have to make sure I was not being followed while driving, or even have my stepdaughter escorted by her SRO while at school. I did not sleep for the first weeks at least...every little noise I made him go check. Even knowing the sheriff’s office was set up at our street and IDing each car that entered, I still made him go check. My anxiety was beyond its breaking point, which caused me to not be there for my husband as I should have been. I am so ashamed to admit that, but it is the truth.

 I had friends and family to talk to of course, but all they could do was listen and give some encouraging words. They were just as lost as I was on what I needed to do for not only myself but for my family. I searched the internet for any type of guidance or relatable articles but could not find what I needed to hear. I was so lost and unsure of where to go or what to do. Thankfully, my husband had MANY phone calls and messages from other LEOs, spouses of LEOs, and friends reaching out to him and checking in on him. They reassured him had he not done what he did, he may not have come home to us; and we would be suffering way more than we were. Of course, he was set up with doctors, counselors, and support groups within days of the shooting. Thankfully where I fell short, others stepped in and were there for him and uplifting him each day.

Something else I was also ill prepared for was having to sit back and watch others drag his name through the mud and condemn him, even after being ruled as a justified shooting by the grand jury. I am the type of person, when I care for you and love you, I will protect you with everything I have. But in this incident, I had to handle it with “grace” and stay quiet. You could see how much the negative comments and posts were getting to him. This broke my heart to watch. I think him being dehumanized and demeaned was hands down the worst part.

    As time passed on, things finally started to calm down. I was finally starting to feel at ease again. But then only a year and two months later, I received another frantic call from my LEO. He had to make another split-second decision to fatally shoot a man, who was charging a fellow officer with a butcher knife. I felt the wind get knocked out of me. It felt like the world was crashing down around me for a split second. All I could think was why? We were finally getting past the first one, and now here we go again.

 It took me about ten to fifteen minutes to stop those thoughts and go into survival mode. This time I was going to be there for my husband, I mean actually be that kick ass LEO wife he needed and deserved the first time. I immediately called our therapist and had an appointment set up the following morning, called family members, and then I called the detective I knew was on shift to get an update on my husband. I knew physically he was okay, but I also knew emotionally it was not going to be easy for him. He had a lot of guilt from the first one. That guilt was mainly regarding his family having to go through the threats and chaos. He beat himself up pretty good over that. When he was finally able to call and talk for more than a minute, he instantly started to apologize repeatedly for having to do this again and putting us through this again. This time though, I knew what I had to do, and that was to assure him I will go through this as many times as I have to, as long as he comes home to me and his girls. I know that the pain of him not coming home would be far greater than what we have and will go through with these shootings.  

I know that he would NEVER put himself in these situations unless he absolutely must, and that is what he did each time. My LEO is meant to be a police officer, it is what he was born to do. He is part of three generations of law enforcement. Not only that, but he has two amazing girls that he has had full custody of since they were toddlers. He would never put himself in these situations, unless they were completely justified and feared he would not make it home to his girls. I have never questioned his actions; I know he did what he had to.

Thankfully, this shooting has been a complete one eighty from the last. This time the family fully backs my husband’s and his fellow officer’s decisions. During the family’s news conference, they stated, “The police departments responded and handled this so compassionately, I thank them. I know that those officers are on administrative leave. I want to say to their families, be proud of those officers. Do not condemn them for what they did because they did what they did to protect everybody.” This moment brought me to tears. Unfortunately, with the world as it is today our LEOs are not looked at as the heroes they truly are, but as the enemy. Hearing the family express their support and understanding, was a breath of fresh air that was very much needed.  

I want any LEOW that is dealing with the aftermath of an officer-involved shooting to know you are not alone. No situation is the same, but regardless you are not alone. If any LEOW find themselves looking for guidance or assurance through a similar event, please feel free to reach out to me. I may not have all the answers or not been through the exact scenario, but I have been in your shoes of uncertainty and fear. That is what I needed the most when going through all of this, just someone who can relate in some way. 

| ANONYMOUS WIFE |

His Daddy. His Hero.

Recently my hubby was reviewing a vehicle stop he and a few other officers made that resulted in a 10-80 (foot pursuit). He asked our son if he wanted to see what he did when he’s at work sometimes. Of course, our 5 year old was more than happy to hop on daddy’s lap to see.  When he got done, he gave his dad the biggest hug and said, “Good job daddy, I’m so proud of you.” Neither myself or my husband saw that coming but looking at my son’s face he meant every bit of it. 

His daddy is truly his hero. I am his best friend. He tells everyone that. But no one has to ask who is his hero. Paw Patrol is his favorite cartoon but Chase is his favorite character.

Earlier in the summer when things started getting really wild and there was a lot about police on the news our son sent Chase to be with his dad as his partner on the street. LOL. Whenever my hubby has to train a new officer he usually leaves Chase at home but that’s not a decision our son is usually okay with. He gets concerned about who will be protecting him. He calls him and has a serious conversation about it with him. For me it’s cute, for him it’s about his hero’s security. 

When my husband walks through the door each night, I see the love of my life; he sees his hero. There is so much pride as mothers that fills us when we see the way our little ones look at their heroes. There are really no words that can describe it. My daughter used to look at him the same way when he was in the military now she’s off following in his footsteps.  On the days when the world seems to be unappreciative of what our LEO do, those eyes  always turn helps in turning those days around. As a police wife though I wouldn’t trade those looks for anything in this world. 

| Kerry-Ann |

Found My Tribe

Have you ever felt like you’ve been wondering around aimlessly? Or you bought something and fell in love with it so much you couldn’t figure out how in the world you ever survived before it? That’s how I felt a couple Friday nights ago when I video chatted for the first time with some fellow LEOWs. 

Making friends has never been easy for me. I’m awkward and quiet when I’m around women I’ve never met. Conversations happen around me and I feel like I have nothing in common with them even when I have everything in common with them. This is a terrible feeling. It’s like being in a room full of people and feeling lonely at the same time.

But not that Friday night, it was fun, it was lighthearted, it was what I needed. We talked liked we’ve known each other our whole lives. The best part was I had joined the group these ladies are apart of earlier that week. They asked me questions about myself and my family, my kids and my background. They briefly met my hubby when he walked in to kitchen. The one thing that stood out to me the two plus hours we were on the phone was they said several times “girl where you been this whole time?” It was refreshing. 

It was obvious to me that the admins and moderators of the group have a strong bond. They said a lot of remember when’s, but neither myself or the other new peeps on the call felt left out or experience that awkward “hey we’re still here” phase. As I sat and thought about the call over and over. And talked about the indescribable feeling to my hubby over and over it finally hit me. Kerry-Ann, you may have finally found your tribe. 

Each person’s tribe may look different and that’s okay. Your tribe could be one person or five. Your sister’s tribe could be her mother. Another’s person tribe could be strangers on Facebook. I believe at the end of the day we need a safe place where we as blue line sisters can we decompress, vent, ask questions, share a dream with someone who we have almost everything in common with and who have our six. Someone who understands us or makes and effort to. Someone we feel comfortable being ourselves around.

I’ve heard ladies say I don’t need friends or want friends. I don’t trust women. But what I actually hear is I’ve been hurt and now I don’t know about trusting others. Finding the right tribe fixes that. As a LEOW I believe we need to be each other’s tribe. Our roles as wives alone is a tough one and being strong for LEO is not easy but knowing you have a posse of blue line sisters behind you does quite a bit to your energy level. So let me ask you this, who is apart of your tribe? 

| Kerry-Ann |

We Are Different. But Still the Same.

There’s something to be said about having a ring on the left hand as a spouse of a LEO. I know that special feeling, of the ring, symbolizing, “I am their chosen one.” Not to mention the security the piece of paper holds. Personally, it’s more than a piece of paper to me. 

Over the last few months I have had the pleasure of meeting some amazing ladies. Some married to their LEO while others not yet. I see them all as the women behind the badge. The thought of differentiating one group from the other has never crossed my mind until I met Bridgette. 

I learned that some wives hold themselves above other women who are not married and even then simply being married isn’t enough to get you an invite to the club much less a membership. For some wives, how long you’ve been married is just as important, as are you even married? It took me awhile to wrap my mind around the concept. 

How disheartening it was for Bridgette when she was told being with her LE for two years was nothing for her to talk about. Come back when they’re together for 25 years. Or when someone else inferred that maybe she’s a badge bunny and that’s why she’s not yet engaged. Or even this, imagine the person you’re in love with had a rough day. You want to support them as much as possible but you are in uncharted territory. So you decide to reach out  to veteran wives for advice only to be told your issue doesn’t count as having a rough day. Come back when he’s been shot at. 

I have never cared what one blue line sister status was when she reached out for help. You stop and you help. Bridgette and her LEO are in a committed relationship and they are very much in love. He has bought them their dream home. He loves her eight year old daughter like she is his own. I really don’t believe there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for her.

So imagine my surprise when I got a message from her saying her LEO said if they are ever close by me he’s going to make it a point for us to meet. He loves the influence I’ve had on her but most importantly, he appreciates how much I don’t make her feel like she’s just a girlfriend. I re-read that paragraph several times. I realize I was naive to the reality of this happening to women who are not yet wives or who have chosen not to become wives. 

Here’s my take on it.

Once we become the woman behind the badge. Once we have declared we are in a serious and committed relationship with our LEO then that’s the only requirement that is need for an invite and membership to the club. None of us were born married to our spouses so therefore we were all a LEO GF at one point but how quickly we soon forget. As wives we should support our sisters as they now start the journey. We give the advice we wish we had gotten. We hold her hands the way we wish someone had held ours. We calm her fears using the tricks others used to help us. At the end of the day she’s the woman behind her SO’s badge and we are her support system. Let’s not waste time checking off a list before deciding if we’re going to reach out a hand or not. Just do it! This to me is what a Blue Line Sorority Sisterhood should do for each other regardless of each person’s marital status. 

| Kerry-Ann |

An Open Letter to Police Wives

Dear Sister Wives,

My heart has been broken by some of the things I’ve been seeing and hearing among us lately. This is not the time for us to get distracted. Our men are on the front-line and they need to be sure we are fully focused and have their six.  I’m sure all wives and SO would raise their hand at this point to attest that they do have their partner’s six. 

I would bet to defer though. We can’t completely have their six if we are distracted with fighting among st ourselves. Over the last three months, so many Police Wives groups have had ladies leave because of the way were treated. Or they were kicked out of groups because they spoke up or against harsh or hurtful tones. 

We need to band together more now than ever. We need to show the country and the world what a real sisterhood looks like. What a Blue Line Sorority should look like. At a time like this, there is no room for jealousy, hate, hypocrisy or bigotry. As sisters, we should be fixing each other’s crown, lifting and supporting each other. At a time like this, a black wife or a woman married to a black officer should not feel condemned in the group she’s a part of. Her sisters should not be using offensive language and terms and not care that it hurt her fellow sisters that don’t look like them.

Being a military wife, I’ve learned a distracted airman is a dead airman. Think about this ladies: Sandra was devastated by the things that were said in the group she’s in. She now feels out of place with nowhere to turn for support; except her husband. She shares all this with him. Next day, he’s at work with your hubby but his attention is partly on Sandra and how she’s doing at home while he’s in this riot. He’s supposed to be spotting your husband but he’s not doing a great job because he’s distracted. Now both men might not make it home. 

Can I urge you, if you see something, say something. I spoke up in a group that was racist. One of the admins told me she had removed one of my posts to protect me because the comments were borderline racist. Not once did she ever call out the ladies in the her group about their behavior. Needless to say, I’m no longer in the group. 

I had another blue line sister upset because she was told by another sister she would not become anything. She was told the business she was trying to get started was not going to go anywhere. Now this particular incident was not race related. 

Again I’ll ask what are we doing fighting among ourselves when we should be banning together to save our LEO from the unfair stipulations, regulations and policies that are coming down the pipelines?

I would love to be able echo the words of Dr. Maya Angelou when she said “I am so glad we have a sisterness about us,” when I refer to our relationship. What about you?

But please, know that when I repeat these words to you that she wrote, I genuinely mean them.

“Sister, open your heart, fling your hopes high and set your dreams aloft. I am here to hold your hand” ~Dr Maya Angelou 

I hope and pray anyone who say the same thing would genuinely mean it. 

| Kerry-Ann |

Being A Single Married Parent/Woman

When you get married to a LEO there are many things you inadvertently sign up for and often times not realize it. At least I didn’t.  While I knew his work schedule came first I don’t think I fully grasped that it meant years of missed birthdays, anniversaries, rescheduled dinner dates with friends, going to school meetings and doctor appointments alone. What put the icing on the cake for me was the fact that he was also military. One weekend every month  and two weeks every year minimum time was expected to be dedicated to serving. However, he never served anything close to the minimum amount of expected time.

Between serving and protecting the community he was working for and the US government my husband was gone more than he was home which made me a “single married parent”. Often times when I went to church l, women would look at my left hand while asking, how was my hubby or where was my hubby. I honestly don’t think they realized they were doing that. I was tempted to become bitter and resentful of his jobs but I was also, always, so proud to tell others what he did for a living. Being proud of him won. 

It wasn’t easy keeping up with appointments by myself or school functions. It definitely wasn’t easy getting the girls to understand that he wasn’t missing their birthdays on purpose but that we would figure it out by celebrating together either earlier or later based on his schedule. The girls learned after awhile that disappointments are a built in part of life’s journey but there are sometimes ways around it. 

Even though he’s retired from the military the extra jobs that comes with law enforcement has taken its place. We make plans but if he’s too tired to see them through I understand. I no longer get annoyed. Most days I still see myself as a “single married parent/woman” but I’ve weighed the pros and cons of him changing his job so he could be home more. I realize he would be miserable not being able to do what he loves. 

So sister, the next time you refer to yourself as a “single married woman” or “single married parent” just think of it as a title of honor just like a woman whose spouse is serving overseas. Unfortunately for us though we can’t have it both ways. Why you may ask? Because our LEO can’t serve and protect from home .

~Kerry-Ann

An Open Letter To Society From A Police Wife

2020 has been a year.

When COVID first speared her ugly head I quickly found myself washing my husband’s uniform every night, dousing his shoes with Lysol, then mopping our floors upon his entry into the home all while working full time myself. I became a real-life Cinderella in the blink of an eye.

And I stupidly thought THAT was exhausting.

Now within a few days it feels as if the entire world hates my husband, his entire department and the wives must sit back and watch. As a result, many of us have chosen to remain silent because quite honestly, I should NOT have to defend my husband OR his department. Let me remind everyone that just a few weeks ago the public was calling our police stations nonstop requesting birthday drive bys while our officers were working around the clock dealing with COVID and the endless executive orders our Governor is issuing every day. And by the way, COVID is still happening and our officers are still dealing with a pandemic.

I sit back and watch my husband put on his uniform and head out into total pandemonium, into a world that is just waiting to dissect every single word that he speaks. Waiting like hungry predators. As I sit back I think of my folder filled with letters praising this man for going above and beyond his ENTIRE career. A man who came to this country not speaking a word of English at the young age of 7. A man who became a proud American, a man who is loved by everyone who meets him, a man who became a Police Chief in our local town.

Quite honestly my husband is a total helper and it’s exhausting at times. You can call my husband at all hours of the night and he will answer. He’s always ready to serve and protect. He’s constantly trying to evolve into a better version of himself. He wears his badge with pride and I wear his badge with honor.

When I held the Bible in my hands as my husband was sworn in as Chief, never once did I think that I would be hated or a target for what he has chosen as a career. A career that is a calling for so many brave men and women.

His neighboring town has had peaceful protests. I’ve watched the live feed of the ones my husband has worked. I have watched him prepare to go out into a crowd that hates him for the uniform he wears. But he still reports to work with a smile on his face while kissing me and saying, “Don’t worry it will be ok.” I often wonder do people realize that our officers are there to ensure traffic is stopped, roads are closed, our protestors are protected, and the speakers can be heard and not hassled? Who else is going to stop traffic on a busy road so protestors can march across it?  I’ve watched young teenagers get right into our police officers faces screaming profanities while calling them pigs.  I have watched young girls screaming vulgarities at these officers. And it is this type of behavior that is devastating for everyone.  I watch frozen with fear at an angry mob screaming at our officers. Let me be clear, the protestors are long gone at this point. It’s now a group of young adults screaming and running rampant throughout the community.

I would love to invite these young people to sit at the table with me and tell them about all the good my husband and his department do daily. I could tell them about how each Christmas our officers take hundreds of dollars out of their own pockets to purchase gifts for children in need in the community. The officers then drive around on Christmas morning to play Santa for the children while dropping off the gifts that they purchased. Some officers choose to leave their families on Christmas morning to do this, expecting nothing but a smile from the neighborhood children and wanting to give them a memorable Christmas. I could tell these young people about the annual fundraiser these officers hold for a local animal shelter and the hundreds of dollars our officers spend to support our local animal shelter. I could tell these young people about the hundreds of dollars we also spend on food and other necessities for the less fortunate in our community. That all of this money comes out of our pockets. I could also tell you about the time we were late for a wedding because there was a car wreck and my husband stopped, off duty to help pull the woman from the wreckage or about the wedding that he had to leave me at because a house was burning down in his town. I could also tell them about the multiple surgeries he has had to endure from injuries sustained in the line of duty. Or the anti-sematic slurs directed towards him while on duty because he is Jewish.  Or how so many people, even now laugh and say, “Jews aren’t cops, they are lawyers or doctors, are you sure he’s a real cop?” But my husband always keeps his composure and comes home with a smile on his face.  My husband is not the exception, he’s the norm for his profession.

I sat on edge as I watched live feed Monday night. I watched young people screaming at the officers working, throwing rocks and bottles at our officers.  I found myself quickly scanning the live feed looking for his car wondering where is he, is he ok, is he alone? Did I tell him how much I love him before he left for work? And to break my heart even more I hear the “reporter” on the live feed yelling at the officers, yelling at the men and women protecting HER.  I find my heart breaking even more because I wonder what happened to ethical journalism and reporting just the facts? What happened to remaining neutral? I sit back and watch the flames getting fanned and I’m frozen in fear because my husband is right in the middle of this hell on earth. Let me remind you the peaceful protestors are long gone at this point. I force myself to blink my eyes because for a few minutes hoping this will go away, perhaps I’m watching the Purge, maybe this isn’t real life.

But it is real life, and it’s my new terrifying reality.

This type of behavior is terrifying for our entire country not just police families, it mutes the real issues and forces many to “take sides.”  And when sides are taken nothing ever changes.

This past Friday our neighboring community had another protest. Instantly in the pit of my stomach I felt terror. Not again, please. Please God let it be peaceful.

I hugged my husband when he left and told him, “You are MY hero, come home safe.” I listened to the sound of velcro again, watched him lace up his boots and I prayed. I prayed for peace. I prayed for the safety of our officer and the protestors.

And then I sat home and watched. I paced the floors like a lion and watched.

But this time I saw something beautiful.

For starters this reporter was neutral and reported just the facts. No side bar peanut gallery comments, no yelling, just a reporter following a protest giving actual facts.

I watched a young man named Scottie Lewis lead the march. He plays basketball for the University of Florida and runs the non-profit social activism team “Peacebyu & Company.” He was well spoken, eloquent, and passionate. There was zero hate in him, just a young man who wants positive change in our country.  I watched with tears in my eyes. I watched a young man who will most certainly get drafted into the NBA and will absolutely have an amazing future.  I watched him lead a peaceful march throughout our neighboring town and I was so incredibly thankful.  If I could I would hug him myself and thank him. I watched the entire community kneel with him.

Scottie’s peaceful demeanor left you compelled to listen along with a strong desire to learn and have a positive impact on others. We need more young adults like Scottie and the young men and women from Peacebyu & Company. Since Friday I have been wondering, does this young man even know that this wife of an officer is so incredibly thankful for him?

Institutional change in the justice system is needed, but I am begging everyone to stop demonizing the police as a whole to achieve that end. Cops are NOT all the same. Please do not judge my husband by his uniform but by the content of his character.

Just because I am supporting law enforcement does not mean I condone racism or injustices by law enforcement. I married a man, a good man who is also a police officer. He has a heart just like yours and wants peace and positive change just like everyone else.

We cannot keep fixing this with bubble gum anymore – we must do this together. 

We need to sit at the same table and discuss the ugly issues that we think will go away. We need to truly listen to each other with an open heart and an open mind. We need to stand together for equality, for dignity and for peace.

“When you talk you are only repeating what you know. When you listen, you learn something new.” Dali Lama

By Lisa Ingrassia

Be Quick To Listen And Slow To Speak

I am the daughter of a now-retired Police Lieutenant.  My father started the academy the month I was born.  Needless to say, I have known law enforcement all my life.

After high school, I became a police dispatcher.  I later began working in the jails until, finally, I was able to attend the academy.  Life, however, had different plans for me and instead of becoming a police officer, I married one. 

During my childhood years, my father’s department lost nine officers.  That is an average of one officer every other year.  His department had only between 1000 and 1400 officers; nowhere near the size of NYPD who has over 35,000.  Countless officers in his department were injured.  And some would never be able to fully function again.  My childhood memories include caring for one such officer.  The devastation that accompanies this calling was always with me throughout my childhood years. 

Since childhood, I have attended more funerals than I can count.  I have sat in hospital rooms praying for miracles.  I have seen more than my share of riots and protests from the 1980s to present.  I have seen scandals and controversies, as well as the heartbreak that accompanies them.  I have even had my own heart broken by the calling and rebuilt it from the ashes.

Over the past few weeks, I have found myself pondering whether or not this job is truly worth the risk anymore.  I wondered if it was time for my husband to pursue a safer career instead.  But I know I would still choose this path, this man, and this calling.  I would choose the risks and the rewards, the heartbreak and my thin blue line family.  Having seen massive changes over my lifetime, I can tell you without a doubt that law enforcement officers are resilient and adaptive.  Unlike most professions, they are required to make split-second decisions to protect those they were sworn to protect.

But there is one thing that I believe the law enforcement community could improve, something I do not believe has been addressed until now.  And that one thing is our ability to quickly shame our own. 

When scandals and allegations strike, we are quick to throw our brothers and sisters in blue to the wolves.  In a generation defined by the instant gratification of social media, we are quick to judgement and criticism before we know the facts.  We condemn based on rumor, and although we preach the need for due process, we seldom afford it to those we judge.  Time and time again I view family pages, support pages, spouse pages, and even postings in the halls of our departments, only to find them filled with opinion and judgement while extremely short on fact.  At some point, we have all been drawn to offer our knee-jerk reaction to a story without taking the time to learn the facts.  In one recent example, extreme condemnation was levied at a department and certain officers within the department.  The reactions, much like the story itself, insinuated that the officers were criminals and murderers, just another pile of bad apples to be thrown out.  If one took the time to look deeper, to perform due diligence, these same critics may have realized that these officers did nothing wrong.  My heart broke as I realized this could have been my husband, your husband, your wife, your child.  Any officer across the country could have found himself in their place.  Their very lives, and the lives of their families are now threatened because of circumstances over which they had no control.  And their own thin blue line family, those on whom they can always rely, have been quick to criticize as well.

If the past few weeks can teach us anything about our social media-driven society, it is that not everything needs comment.  Not every Chief, Sheriff, Officer, or spouse across the country needs to offer an opinion.  And instead of throwing gasoline on a growing fire, we should offer the same due process in our social media use that our justice system offers in a court of law.  We should engage in thoughtful conversations about change without feeling the need to offer our own instant judgement.  We should take stock of the fact that we may not know the truth of a situation before we criticize those who were involved.  Unless we were in their place, we could not possibly know their every thought, their every fear, or their perception of the threat that faced them. 

We should collectively decide whether our comments really contribute or whether they are simply adding fuel to the ever-growing fire.  We should realize that our comments may be fueling a fire that could ultimately rob a child of his father, a wife of her husband, a parent of their son or daughter.  A poorly considered comment may one day rob me of ever hugging my husband again.  We need to ask ourselves if our comments are worth the cost.  Was our own rush to judgement really any different than the mob mentality our family holds the line against?  I pray always that the comments of my own thin blue line family do not cause my city to burn one day.

Having His Six

The previous day was a particularly weird day for me.

First, it was the scripture I made eye contact with in the morning while brushing my teeth that wouldn’t leave my spirit. Then it was the song at the end of the night out of nowhere that I couldn’t stop singing. I laid in bed winding down for the night while watching my hubby getting dressed for work. All while softly sing the words to “All I Need is You Lord”. I caught myself smiling for no other reason than feeling blessed even though in that moment I had a migraine.

Shortly after I making my last post of the night my hubby kissed me goodnight and left the bedroom.

I thought he had left for work. I said a quick prayer of protection over him because I had an uneasy feeling watching him walk out the door. This was very unusual for me. After praying I continued laying in bed thinking about the prayer chain I wanted us to do in the LEOW Bible study group I’m leading. In the middle of figuring out how I wanted it go my (which wasn’t easy because my head was throbbing) my nephew walks in to my room and tells me I need to go downstairs to console my husband.

In a very confused state, and forgetting about myself, I got up and rushed downstairs to find him sitting in the couch with his head buried in his hands he was indeed in tears. I fell to my knees by his feet and held him and then asked what was going on. He explained that he just got a phone call that his childhood best friend died a couple hours earlier. My heart shattered as there was nothing I could’ve done or said in that moment that could make him feel better.

My heart hurt because I promised to always have his six but in that moment what did having his six mean or look like? I held him and kept repeating the words “I’m sorry babe”. He was some how able to pull himself together and left for work anyway against my desires. With the strength of the Lord he made it through the night.

The next day he cried on and off. He was here but he wasn’t. He tried distracting himself with the kids outside and washing his patrol unit. We talked about his memories with his friend growing up and about his family. But he was so different today. It hurts so much more because his friend lived 14 hours away, and with COVID-19, he won’t be able to attend the funeral. He spoke to him last week not knowing it would be his last time being able to do so.

Having his six means for the next few days or even weeks he’s going to be sad or grumpy for no apparent reason but I’ll remember he has one.

Having his six means granting him extra grace if he forgets to do something extremely important.

Having his six means giving 80% while he’s only able to give 20% without complaining.

Having his six is simple being there for him when he reaches out for me.

The following morning he got up put his uniform on and his badge and he went and did his job while pushing his pain to the back of mind. I expected him to cry some more when he got home but he did not. If he had it would’ve been okay because I would have his six.

#iwillalwayshavehissix #godsgothissix

Kerry-Ann
| Christian Wife. Mother. Friend |

I Hope You Never...

I hope you never have to experience what it’s like to watch the person you love most walk out the door and wonder if they will return.

I hope you never have to experience the fear that crosses your mind in the middle of the night as you wonder what kind of terror the person you love most is dealing with at that very second.

I hope you never have to send the person you love most out to defend our city against people who hate them for a crime they feel just as angry about.

I hope you never have to experience the feeling of seeing the person you love most get rocks, bricks, fire, broken glass bottles, etc. thrown at them on a live video stream.

I hope you never have to experience the broken heart as you hold the person you love most as they find out their brother or sister in blue has just been shot.

I hope you never have to experience the feeling of listening to the horrific acts a person committed on their precious child.

I hope you never have to experience the amount of times we have come across a post about a group of people wanting the person we love most dead.

I hope you never have to experience being glued to your phones “Find my Friends” app watching their every move as if it’ll give us a hint of their safety.

I hope you never have to experience the things we go through every. single. day.

The tears are real and deep. The pain that we feel watching the live the video streams and reading the posts and comments hating the person we love most is beyond anything we can describe. We live in a time where it’s so difficult to stay off social media, but in times like these it’s the thing we need to do most in order to obtain even a sliver of sanity. We have not been through one day of training, there is no “police spouse academy” to help us learn how to cope. We haven’t gone to classes to learn the proper way to handle any of this. As police spouses we are going in blind and having to figure all of this out while seeing our “friends” tear our loved ones down piece by piece, people that have no clue about what really goes on in a police officers life and honestly have no interest in learning about it either. Our officers can take off the physical target, -the uniform, the badge- but there will never be enough power strong enough to remove the emotional target they will always wear.

Once you see the evil in this world, there is no escaping it. Our officers see so much pain and heartache and they often witness peoples “worst day”. Imagine dealing with that everyday and not being able to unsee the terror you have seen. The current events that have taken place are sad and disheartening, it’s taken such an emotional toll on our officers and I can’t help but be angry.

I’m angry that our officers are getting ridiculed for a crime they didn’t commit, I’m angry that our officers have to go out each day and put their life on the line only to get f-bombed and spat on, and I’m angry that this world doesn’t see the value in our men and women in law enforcement. When I see a post or a comment saying “defund the police” I can’t help but take it personal. I know the man that comes home to me each day is a good one. He has story after story of him changing peoples lives each and every day. I know my officer is out there to help make his city a better place and I know he would put his life on the line to save another.

Being a police officer means dealing with horrific acts so we can live a sheltered life, it means long hours, short vacations, missed holidays, mediocre pay, constant heartbreak, and a target on your back. As a police spouse- we can only hope to be the light in their life to help them cope. Our officers are human and society expects them to be perfect. Unfortunately - human and perfect just don’t go together. They do their best to protect and serve and 99.9% of them do a pretty great job at it.

What If Change Doesn't Happen? Then What?

As I sit here trying to think of how to put my thoughts into words I can't help but to also think I should not have to be writing this, but reality says otherwise.


See, I'm a black woman married to a black law enforcement officer who has 21 years on the job. We also have 2 black boys (1 young adult and 1 toddler) and 2 girls (1 young adult and mixed race teenager). My husband has had "the talk" with both of the older ones about how to conduct themselves when they encounter the police. He's on the inside so he knows what's true and what's truth. But today I'm writing because of our toddler boy.


We call him J-bug, he is 4 years old and will be 5 later this month. J-bug is considered special needs because of a rare disorder that he was diagnosed with at 14 months old. It has caused significant developmental delays for him but he's resilient just like his father. He is his own cheerleader which is amazing and inspiring. Paw Patrol is his favorite t.v. program and Chase is his favorite character. His favorite word is why and his favorite person is...well it's dependent on the day or the time of day. My favorite thing about him is how quickly he forgives. I share this about my J-bug because I want you to know him the way I do and understand why I am concerned about his future 10-15 years from now.


Until recently I was not concerned about him being specials when he gets older as much as I was concerned about him being black on the streets. What caused the stir in my heart was watching the news and learning about Elijah McClain. He was an African American 24 year old young man that died after being restrained by law enforcement using a carotid hold several times then given ketamine by paramedics. Carotid hold cuts off blood circulation to the brain causing the person to lose consciousness. When the law enforcement first encountered Mr McClain they were responding to a 911 call of a sketchy person because he was wearing a ski-mask in August. Several things Mr McClain said stood out to me as the mother of a child with special needs that the officers missed. And that is what is concerning to me.


I have so many what ifs: What if J gets stopped and is unable to properly articulate himself and he's misunderstood by the officers? Then what? What if his sometimes uncontrollable hand gestures come across as resisting? Then what? What if he gets overwhelmed with several strangers questioning him or yelling commands at the same time? Then what?


With all the calls for change happening I think we all need come to the table and share concerns and work together to ensure the changes that are enacted are actually beneficial to all. The knee jerk reactions I have been seeing with response to calls to “defunding the police” will prove counterproductive to the change and reforms we need in order to bridge the gap between the law enforcement and communities and rebuild trust. Instead more resources need to be poured into law enforcement programs that will help them to become better officers on and off the duty. I believe all officers should receive mandatory classroom training on how to recognize those with special needs and mental illness. De-escalation classes should never be offered online but instead should be a part of a mandatory curriculum only offered in a classroom setting. The issue with making this a reality is there is not enough funds and not enough human resources to pull officers off the street while officers are in the classroom and still have sufficient presence in the community. The pay and incentives offered to the men and women who risk their lives everyday protecting our communities is a joke. Most have to take advantage of over time, second jobs or extra jobs offered by the department to make ends meet. Better pay will encourage increase interest in law enforcement and also have our men and women solely focus on the job at hand. Sometimes officers mental health has been stretched without support from those who are suppose to have their backs. I believe our law enforcement officers’ mental health should be re-accessed every 2-3 years and offered the help and provided the resources needed to stay healthy and perform their job at optimum capacity.


These are just a few of the changes I believe it will take for me worry a little less about my son's safety in 15 years should he encounter the police without either of us being with him. I believe these are just some of the changes that are necessary for my husband to continue to believe that those he seeks to serve and protect will trust him to serve and protect them. I believe that these are just some of the changes that are necessary for me as a law enforcement officer’s wife to believe that after my husband retires his mental health will still be intact. Whilst I don’t believe these are the only changes needed, I do believe this would be a great place to start to get us on the right path necessary. 


| Kerry-Ann |
Christian wife. Mother. Friend