The day I said “I do” to my LEO, I never imagined we would be here. As a LEO’s spouse, I thought my biggest fears were having a knock at my door or units show up at my work to tell me he had been seriously injured or even worse. The thought of him being involved in an officer-involved shooting that resulted in a fatality, NEVER crossed my mind. I had no idea how our lives would change that day.
When I got that first two minute call and he told me he just had to kill a man but he was not injured, (I am almost ashamed to admit this) I took it almost like a grain of salt. Looking back at that moment, I was so oblivious to what I was just told. Maybe it was just the sheer relief that my LEO was coming home at the end of the day? But within hours of that call, I realized this was so much more than I could have ever prepared for. We started to receive gang threats. Our address, my job, my stepdaughter’s school, and even our family members' names were all being posted. I never imagined I would have to make sure I was not being followed while driving, or even have my stepdaughter escorted by her SRO while at school. I did not sleep for the first weeks at least...every little noise I made him go check. Even knowing the sheriff’s office was set up at our street and IDing each car that entered, I still made him go check. My anxiety was beyond its breaking point, which caused me to not be there for my husband as I should have been. I am so ashamed to admit that, but it is the truth.
I had friends and family to talk to of course, but all they could do was listen and give some encouraging words. They were just as lost as I was on what I needed to do for not only myself but for my family. I searched the internet for any type of guidance or relatable articles but could not find what I needed to hear. I was so lost and unsure of where to go or what to do. Thankfully, my husband had MANY phone calls and messages from other LEOs, spouses of LEOs, and friends reaching out to him and checking in on him. They reassured him had he not done what he did, he may not have come home to us; and we would be suffering way more than we were. Of course, he was set up with doctors, counselors, and support groups within days of the shooting. Thankfully where I fell short, others stepped in and were there for him and uplifting him each day.
Something else I was also ill prepared for was having to sit back and watch others drag his name through the mud and condemn him, even after being ruled as a justified shooting by the grand jury. I am the type of person, when I care for you and love you, I will protect you with everything I have. But in this incident, I had to handle it with “grace” and stay quiet. You could see how much the negative comments and posts were getting to him. This broke my heart to watch. I think him being dehumanized and demeaned was hands down the worst part.
As time passed on, things finally started to calm down. I was finally starting to feel at ease again. But then only a year and two months later, I received another frantic call from my LEO. He had to make another split-second decision to fatally shoot a man, who was charging a fellow officer with a butcher knife. I felt the wind get knocked out of me. It felt like the world was crashing down around me for a split second. All I could think was why? We were finally getting past the first one, and now here we go again.
It took me about ten to fifteen minutes to stop those thoughts and go into survival mode. This time I was going to be there for my husband, I mean actually be that kick ass LEO wife he needed and deserved the first time. I immediately called our therapist and had an appointment set up the following morning, called family members, and then I called the detective I knew was on shift to get an update on my husband. I knew physically he was okay, but I also knew emotionally it was not going to be easy for him. He had a lot of guilt from the first one. That guilt was mainly regarding his family having to go through the threats and chaos. He beat himself up pretty good over that. When he was finally able to call and talk for more than a minute, he instantly started to apologize repeatedly for having to do this again and putting us through this again. This time though, I knew what I had to do, and that was to assure him I will go through this as many times as I have to, as long as he comes home to me and his girls. I know that the pain of him not coming home would be far greater than what we have and will go through with these shootings.
I know that he would NEVER put himself in these situations unless he absolutely must, and that is what he did each time. My LEO is meant to be a police officer, it is what he was born to do. He is part of three generations of law enforcement. Not only that, but he has two amazing girls that he has had full custody of since they were toddlers. He would never put himself in these situations, unless they were completely justified and feared he would not make it home to his girls. I have never questioned his actions; I know he did what he had to.
Thankfully, this shooting has been a complete one eighty from the last. This time the family fully backs my husband’s and his fellow officer’s decisions. During the family’s news conference, they stated, “The police departments responded and handled this so compassionately, I thank them. I know that those officers are on administrative leave. I want to say to their families, be proud of those officers. Do not condemn them for what they did because they did what they did to protect everybody.” This moment brought me to tears. Unfortunately, with the world as it is today our LEOs are not looked at as the heroes they truly are, but as the enemy. Hearing the family express their support and understanding, was a breath of fresh air that was very much needed.
I want any LEOW that is dealing with the aftermath of an officer-involved shooting to know you are not alone. No situation is the same, but regardless you are not alone. If any LEOW find themselves looking for guidance or assurance through a similar event, please feel free to reach out to me. I may not have all the answers or not been through the exact scenario, but I have been in your shoes of uncertainty and fear. That is what I needed the most when going through all of this, just someone who can relate in some way.
| ANONYMOUS WIFE |