I read this and can’t help but think of the song from Mercy Me, “They say sometimes you win some, sometimes you lose some, and right now I’m losing bad....”
This past year has brought so much pain and so much hurt to everyone around the world. I know with my family alone it has seemed like we can’t keep our head above water most days. As wives of Police Officers, we have taken the brunt of all the pain and all the hurt because not only are we hurting for ourselves we are hurting for our Officers too! My husband has been a Deputy Sheriff for the past 15 years and in those 15 years, he has never had as many close calls as he has had in the past few months. Waking up to those messages of, “I’m ok, if you are listening to the scanner... foot chase.. rocks thrown...” They hit a little differently now.
Through all of this though, we are expected to remain strong and be the backbone, but sometimes that’s hard and sometimes that seems like an unrealistic request of us. I’m here to tell you it’s ok to cry, it’s ok to need a moment to just scream at the top of your lungs. If we aren’t strong, how can they be strong and face the evil that they are asked to face? I know it’s hard, believe me I do, 3 kids and one with a disability that requires countless doctor’s visits, therapy, surgery, and virtual learning. Then you throw in day shift/night shift rotations every three months. Sometimes we just need that escape and we just need to scream and cry and dust ourselves off and remember it’s okay to do that.
We can’t hold it all in and let it consume us and take control. Our families need us, our Officers need us, and we need each other! The only way we will overcome is to be stronger than the evil that faces us. To be stronger, sometimes we just need a good cry! I speak from experience because learning to do this myself was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I know I can’t be the only one that has issues with letting go and letting my emotions out. After my dad passed away I started to compartmentalize things instead of dealing with them.
My mom would tell me all the time “Kandy, you just need to cry... you need to deal with it...” I went for so long and never did. A few years down the road, I almost died having my third child. I was scared to go to sleep at night with fear I wouldn’t wake up. Then one day it finally took its toll and I couldn’t take it anymore, I was angry, sad, and hurting. My husband and my kids were suffering because I was suffering, I had become depressed and didn’t want to admit it. Then the baby was diagnosed with medical issues, on top of the world seeming to fall apart and blaming it all on our Officers.
I had finally reached my limit, my kids were starting to act out, my husband and I were starting to have issues. I knew if something didn’t change we weren’t going to make it and I finally just broke down sitting in my car. I cried, and I mean ugly cried. I screamed and got it all out! I told my husband what I had been fighting and dealing with, and most importantly I gave it to God. Letting it all go and getting it all out was the best thing I could have done. Don’t let things build up until you lose everything; find a fellow wife to talk to, we are here! No one understands the complicated life and all the stress that comes with it like we do!
Remember we are their back bone and their strength when they are staring evil in the face, the thing that keeps them going is thinking of us. Sometimes I feel like we don’t understand the importance of our role in them doing their jobs. I remember one night right after our last child was born, I heard something and woke up to him standing in the living room, holding her and bawling his eyes out. He looked at me and said, “I’m sorry, I woke her up but I just had a call with a baby that died and needed to see her.” I couldn’t get mad at the fact I had just put her to bed and knew she wasn’t going to go right back to sleep, or get mad because he was going to just go and leave me to sit up the rest of the night with her. After he left, I sat on the couch, held her close, and also cried myself thinking about how upset he was and knew he had to wipe and tuck it away to go back and finish his shift. We are their safe place and their refuge not just anyone can withstand this life. Remember you can do this, and don’t ever be afraid to reach out to someone, we are here for you!
l Kandace l