My husband’s career started out with him working for a small police department located in a rural part of our state. When it was short-handed, which was often, officers would be required to work what they referred to as a “Death Watch” (gotta love a catchy name that just screams anxiety to a LEOW). A Death Watch meant the officer was in for a 15-hour shift and some weeks, my LEO would have several of these shifts in a row. When he would finally arrive home from work, he’d walk into the house, an exhausted mess, say hello to our preschooler and infant sons, and try to sleep for the remaining hours of his day before having to do it all over again.
During these years, there were also plenty of weeks where we were lucky if he had even one day off to spend with us. I felt I was living the “Single-but-married-police-wife-life,” for sure back then.
It is very easy to let the rough side of the LEO lifestyle get the best of you…especially when you are knee deep in toddlers and diapers, failing to see the light at the end of the tunnel. My LEO was loyal to his department that desperately needed him and was working incredibly hard to provide for his young family, but often times I was overwhelmed with loneliness and anger. I remember being frustrated and flat out sick and tired of being constantly alone, yet married. I would back out of gatherings with friends and summer backyard barbeques because I just could not find it in me to arrive at one more event all by myself.
My husband was out serving his community and putting his life on the line each day. I should have been one content, proud wife, but I felt very alone, very sad…and completely guilt-ridden at the fact that on some days I just couldn’t manage to “man up.” I felt like a total failure while watching other spouses who stood stoically by their LEOs, not flinching in the face of adversity. They seemed to have it all together while I struggled to come up with a simple fake smile.
Now, there are times looking back that I am proud of what I learned to do on my own just because I had to. Some things aren’t so impressive…like, I learned to use a plunger…a shining moment, no doubt. I was forced to have the “talk” with my kid when he demanded to know what sex was (he asked if this had to take place at the doctor’s office, soooo I’m pretty sure I royally messed this up). I mowed a lawn for the first time ever (I about ruined the mower by putting an oil/gas mixture in it and the entire street was filled with smoke while I just plugged along oblivious and happily mowing away). The impressive list goes on...
It’s been about 25 years ago now and I can’t quite tell you exactly what got me through those days or what made it better other than a lot of praying (and I mean a lot), some crying, a solid support system of family and friends, and to be brutally honest, the never failing grace of God.
If you’re finding yourself in a place where you’re struggling, it is important to know you’re not in this alone. Find comfort in the fact that so many of us have been through the long shifts and nights of sleeping in a bed that‘s half empty. We know you’ve got the strength to get through this…and if you don’t right now, understand that it’s ok not to be ok for a little bit.
I can also assure you that none of us has it all together…even if it seems that way. Just last night I managed to have grilled chicken ready and waiting on the dinner table, perfectly timed for my husband to walk through the door. He pulled into the garage on his police motorcycle and before he could climb off, he looked at me and said, “I’ve just been called out again.” He then turned around and his bike rumbled away (the neighbors love us). Another dinner ruined. Another evening down the drain. Was I disappointed? Maybe a little, but all hands-on-deck called out to look for a missing 10 year old who was later found…wayyy more important than a dish of mashed cauliflower (gag, I don’t even care how much bacon is on it).
Take heart, Ladies...we are in this together and you are stronger than you know. “But those that hope in the Lord will renew their strength.” Isaiah 40:31
l Sandee l