Prince Phillip met Sleeping Beauty for the first time in the woods. I met my husband on a blind date at a movie theater in Las Vegas back in 1988. Phillip sang romantically with Princess Aurora and held her sweetly as they danced through a meadow full of woodland creatures. My future husband offered me a soda and when I said yes, he pulled out a can of pop that he had hidden in the sleeve of his jacket and handed it to me. (I’m pretty sure it was warm and yes, I still somehow married this man.)
As a young girl, I never realized how hard marriage can be. Snow White and Sleeping Beauty made it look so easy. Meet a cute guy, chat a little, fall in love, avoid eating any funky fruit, and boom!...happily ever after!
Their fairy tales never mentioned anything about changing diapers, midnight feedings, laundry piled to the ceiling, or fighting crowds at a grocery store on a Saturday afternoon. They also don’t mention what Prince Charming did for a living, but I’m pretty sure he wasn’t a LEO. Snow White didn’t have to deal with graveyard shifts, overtime, SWAT call-outs, spending holidays alone, and ammo clunking around in her dryer.
The reality is, marriage isn’t always a fairy tale whether it’s with a LEO or not. It takes a lot of work, time, and effort on both parts (I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know). Our LEOs come home tired, drained, and I know mine isn’t always in the chattiest of moods. More often than not my, “How was your day?” receives a caveman grunt followed by, “What’s for dinner?” I tell myself that it isn’t because he doesn’t want to share with me how his day was…he just may not want to relive it. Sometimes it takes all I’ve got to just let him be…and sometimes that is what he really needs.
Communication and feeling connected to our spouse can take a back seat in a LEO marriage at times…and I don’t know about you, but I don’t always handle it the best. I’m a talker and have a habit of needing to share every little thought in my crazy head. When my LEO isn’t the mood to listen to the details of my day or doesn’t have the energy to give me the attention I think I deserve, I take it personally and end up feeling hurt and angry when I’ve waited hours for him to walk through the door. (Never mind that he’s been working 12 hour shifts, is on the motorcycle team, comes home after a warm day all sweaty, exhausted, dehydrated…and a little stinky…I mean why wouldn’t he just want to chat, chat, chat!)
As the spouse of a LEO, one of the toughest and greatest things we can do is learn to be flexible and figure out how to adapt to this lifestyle. Maybe my LEO and I don’t have major conversations each night when his shift is over, but we’ve learned to check in more during the day. A quick, “I love you. How are things going?” text here and there helps us feel and stay connected.
We’ve had points over the years where it was necessary to actually schedule time to catch up. It might sound crazy to others to need to have a calendar appointment to speak with your spouse, but when you’re raising a family and are on opposite sleep schedules it becomes necessary! Even if it is just for 20 minutes of solid catch-up time, if you’re struggling to connect, I encourage you to put it on a calendar and keep the appointment no matter what!
From changing up the way we communicate and stay connected, to celebrating holidays and birthdays a day or two early or a few days late…the law enforcement lifestyle can be tougher than we imagined it would be to adapt to. If you are new to this, step one is simply to try your best to stop comparing your reality to what ideas you had of a “normal” fairy tale marriage. Step two is understanding that we are all in this together so talk to other LEO spouses and find out what works for them. We have so much we can learn from each other and most of us are thrilled to be able to share what has helped us!
After a day of riding his white stallion through the forest, I’m sure Prince Charming arrives at the castle gates presenting Snow White with a bouquet of wildflowers that he picked himself. At the end of his day, my LEO pulls into our garage a hot, tired mess just needing rest, food, and a cold drink…our marriage might not always be a pretty little fairy tale, but he’s arrived home safe and sound…and that’s all I need for my happily ever after.
l Sandee l