Before I got married, I was talking to one of my patients and she said, “I’m going to give you some advice; that saying, ‘never go to bed mad.’ it’s bulls***. Go to bed mad, sometimes a good night’s rest is all you need to resolve an argument. Sometimes, it’s not, but at least you will be levelheaded and not in the moment saying things you may not mean. Remember though, if it’s not going to be important in a week, it’s not worth fighting or being angry about at all.”
Now in our house our rule is, ‘never go to work mad’, but sometimes we do go to bed mad. She was right. There hasn’t been a fight that hasn’t been resolved from a good night’s sleep and actual conversation.
We have had a rough few weeks in our house with a lot of negative energy. We had a LODD in a town within the county my husband works for, coupled with both of us working a lot of overtime, funeral details, and just the emotional toll that takes on both of us. Our kids are busy and sassy (4 and 2, independent is an understatement and the house is always in disarray) and the mixture of everything has just left us both easily annoyed.
First off, I’m just not a nice person when I don’t get enough sleep. Meanwhile, I swear my husband gets 3 hours and he’s totally fine. He also is very guarded with his emotions, something we work through, but it’s not natural for him to talk about it. Where as, I’m constantly word vomiting everything. Second, our “fights” are usually very small. Like the other day, I was mad because I told him I didn’t want to go to work and his response was, “Well, ya got about 35 more years so buck up, Babe!” (Please see the first sentence of this paragraph.) Going on a few hours of sleep, I was so annoyed by that comment. I stormed off to work with a, “See ya tonight” thrown over my shoulder.
Once I got to work, I remembered my husband was working an overtime shift that day and I had just left without our normal ritual of 3 kisses, a hug, and a, “be safe, Babe”. Now, I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. (If you know that quote, we can be friends.) Instantly, all my annoyances quickly disappeared, and I realized in the grand scheme of things that they were super petty. I know he didn’t mean to upset me; we are both extremely sarcastic people and joke a lot. I also know when I’m struggling, and I usually am pretty good at keeping myself in check mental health-wise. I was tired, burnt out, and emotional from the last couple weeks. But I was taking my own frustrations out on my favorite person. I quickly called him and he was just getting ready for work. I told him I was sorry for being a brat that morning and left without a kiss. We did our “before work ritual” virtually, and the weight was lifted.
Does anyone else do that?! Feel like if they don’t do whatever ritual it is they do with their spouse before a shift that they have just jinxed something? Maybe I’m just crazy (I mean I know I am a little...) but I seriously felt sick to my stomach when I realized I left without a kiss. That rule “never go to work mad” was broken. Sometimes I pretend we are just a normal family, living an ordinary life. Then things like a LODD happen. My husband goes to a call where someone has taken their life and little kids are in the house too. Or administers Narcan while a 9-month-old is crying in a crib in the house. Or arrives on scene of a fatal accident involving a teenager and has to go tell his parents.
We are reminded our lives are far from ordinary. We can’t live by the basic “rules” of marriage. We have to create our own to survive our relationships and this LEOW life. Marriage is hard work, throw in the daily traumas our spouses see and it minimizes all the other things. In a way, it makes you stop and smell the roses a little more. I know it’s hard when you are in the throes of it all, believe me, we are far from perfect. Sometimes though, I think about that one little sentence my patient told me 7 years ago and I am reminded that sometimes it’s ok to break the societal norm when it comes to our relationships and make up our own rules. Life isn’t about fitting in anyway, right?! If it works for you, then it works. So here’s to a new week of positive energy and extra sleep!
l Danielle l