My hubby and I will be married for 9 years this coming November. Our love story is a bit different than what you may be used to. When we said our “I do’s” we didn’t go into the honeymoon phase. It was rough from the get-go. I didn’t know what the term “badge bunny” meant. I didn’t know women would be so blatant in showing their interest in my man. Heck, his ex-wife re-surfaced. The good thing was we made a promise to each other before our wedding day. We said divorce wouldn’t be an option. We would either work it out or live together like roommates. It takes work. It takes a lot of work to have a great marriage.
There was plenty I needed to learn about being a military and a law enforcement wife. While the worlds had similarities, there are also a world of differences. In LE for the most part, he comes home at the end of the day, and we can decompress together. Sometimes he doesn’t want to talk, and I get it. I allow him the space and time to process whatever it is. I don’t take it personal or get offended. This takes work. He usually circles back around in a day or two. Or I remind him to “tell me about the other day”. Communication is important. Effective communication is important. This allows you both to be on the same page, especially when he had a difficult day or week at “the office”.
Oh, then there is the trust factor. I’m tired already just thinking about how much work this part of a LE marriage needs. Trust him when he has a hot female partner. Trust him when he’s home from work late without a heads up. Trust him when it seems like he’s being secretive. Trust him when he seems a bit too attached to his phone. And the list goes on. Here’s the deal. We know our spouses. We know their hearts. We know their capabilities. I love surprises, but I also manage our finances. The only way for him to surprise me certain ways is if he has an account for himself that I know about. I have access to it, but I don’t ever check it. All marriages need trust in order to work. But in LE, adding a layer of boundary to it makes it easier for trust to exist. Again, it takes work.
Nothing good comes easy. Same in marriage and partnership. It takes maintenance to keep anything going. Machinery, vehicles, friendships and yes, marriages. Maintenance could look like doing three to five counseling sessions together just because, going on a marriage retreat out of state, attending a marriage conference once a year, having mentors that have real experience in the marriage world and have been successful. Simpler maintenance tools are frequent dates (yes, when possible); I know, their schedules, but make it a priority. And for heaven’s sake, put the phones down. Read books together (audio books do count) about strengthening marriages. Books on LE marriages are always great, but regular ones are good too.
Marriage takes work. A healthy, striving, peaceful marriage takes a lot of work. I look back over the almost 9 years of ours and I look at the work it took for us both to be where we are, and I have to say it was well worth it. We learned a lot about ourselves and about each other. We also learned a lot about marriage itself.
l Kerry-Ann l