Let’s talk about hypervigilance for a minute. This is something that most of us have probably heard about, but do we fully understand the repercussions it has on our LEOS? I have seen countless spouses/significant others post questions or comments in groups about how their LEO has changed. Maybe he/she is apathetic or not participating in family life. Sometimes he/she is short and snapping at loved ones. I’m guessing we’ve all seen that side at least once or twice throughout our LEO’s career. It’s not necessarily your LEO’s fault. It’s likely due to this crazy hypervigilance roller coaster they are all riding during their shifts. There is a lot of science that goes into this process and I’ve been reading books trying hard to understand it all so I can be better at giving my own LEO grace.
We always hear about how trauma affects first responders, but the truth is, even the most mundane shift creates some hypervigilance. No traffic stop or 911 investigate is routine anymore. They can’t go into those stops or calls without being at a heightened state of awareness. They need to be able to react in a split-second. Their body and mind then need 18-24 hours to recover from this state. This plain sucks for the loved ones who want to interact with them on their days off. It’s safe to say that it sucks for the LEOS as well. They want to be present, but sometimes it’s nearly impossible to feel ready before they go back to work and the cycle starts over.
Understanding this allows me to give my LEO more grace. I’m not saying that this gives our LEOS freedom to be jerks. It just gives us a little perspective shift to understand why they may be mindlessly scrolling on their phones or staring blankly at the TV on their first day off. After I learned about this cycle, it was easier for me to talk to my husband about how it affects me as well. Starting a conversation with understanding is far more productive than when a person goes on the offensive attack right away.
If you are feeling as though your LEO is slipping away or not interested in sharing life with you, it is probably not the case at all. He/she is simply trying to navigate this hypervigilance roller coaster of a career. There are a lot of resources out there that can explain this in depth. Don’t give up on your LEO. Take some time to do some research on the topic and try to see it from his/her perspective. It can really make a world of difference for you both.
Check out these books:
Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement (A Guide for Officers and Their Families) by Kevin M. Gilmartin, Ph.D.
Hold the Line (The Essential Guide to Protecting Your Law Enforcement Relationship) by Cyndi Doyle, LCP-S
I Love a Cop (What Police Families Need to Know) by Ellen Kirschman, Ph.D.
l Michelle l