Let’s talk about trauma responses and our LEOs. Mine is really good at hiding his emotions. It is a skill they acquire due to the number of awful things they witness and have to deal with on a day-to-day basis. Sights that no other humans should have to see more than once, they see daily. Then they come home to us and have to put on a normal face, try to save us from the horrors they see during the day.
They pretend it’s just another weekday when in their reality, it’s not. They just spent 12 hours witnessing overdoses, deaths, accidents, homicides, neglect, assaults, the list goes on and on. Then they have to come home, shut it off and pretend to be normal for family. How awful for them! How do we help our LEOs through these things? I don’t know of a department that has the proper mental health support for officers. I know there is push for change but that can take years. So what can we do as a family support in the meantime? How do we have these difficult conversations and offer support?
I can only speak to what has worked well for my family, and everyone is different! But if I can help one other family here then it’s worth it! First, when I notice him in an “off” mood I straight up ask how his last shifts were, sometimes he just gives it a one worded response or a “fine, just another day.” Sometimes he goes into more detail and will say he had a fatal crash, pursuit, etc.” Sometimes I’m visiting with a friend, and they’ll ask how he’s doing and tell me what their husband told me that they saw. Which is usually not the good calls. He likes to shield us from those things. I like to live in ignorant bliss most of the time, so I really am ok with being clueless most of the time, just not when my guy is struggling!
So, once I know what his shifts were like we can move on to how his behavior is. Is he stressed/anxious/distant? How his outward mood is how I base our next steps. If he’s feeling stressed/busy minded I’ll encourage him to go do something he likes doing solo—ie: fishing, walking through the woods, or tinkering around the garage.
If he seems distant, I’ll suggest a family date day. We’ll do a mini road trip to the zoo, take a side-by-side ride, go get a pizza and watch a movie and just enjoy each other’s company! Invite friends over to play cards, it doesn’t have to be big! The small things are good for the soul.
Sometimes I just have to ask what he wants, space or family time? I’m not saying we need to wait on our spouses hand and foot, but mental health has to be a priority and sometimes marriage isn’t 50/50. A lot of the time, especially in law enforcement, it’s more like 70/30, or even more skewed on a long work stretch! Ha.
What does your spouse like to do? What is their outlet? Help them find an outlet if they don’t have one! (alcohol should not be one. It’s so easy to disappear into the basement to watch TV with a beer or two and have that become a habit.) Find the good. Remind them there is good. Gosh I know it’s hard, believe me, but they must see and DO good things. Go to church, have dinner with friends and family, play with kids and see the spark in their eyes. Take a break from that honey-do list and just do the things you LIKE to do. It’s amazing what a little focused attention does.
This is not the root fixer of the trauma they see, they need a professional for that, but it’s something to help bring them back to reality and see a little glimmer of good and happiness in their lives. I don’t want my husband to become too jaded, but if I can pull him out of the hole a little, then I call that a win!
Also putting a plug out there: Follow TacMobility on Instagram/TikTok/FB, right now! She’s amazing and really pushing hard for change for our LEOs and their mental health support. It’s awesome and refreshing to see someone working so hard to help our LEOs!
l Danielle l